Five Years Later: Louis, Love, and Life Rebuilt

Five years.

It’s hard to believe it’s been that long since I held my baby boy for the first—and last—time. Five years since my world shattered in ways I never thought possible.

In April 2020, life as I knew it came crashing down. I was 28 weeks pregnant when my ex-fiancé betrayed our family unit. I was carrying a terminally ill baby, and overnight, I found myself alone—heartbroken, terrified, and completely unprepared for the road ahead.

Back then, I kept the breakdown of my family a close guarded secret for weeks. I didn't whisper a word, I took solitude in the quiet, and walked. I walked a lot. Walking off the pain and isolating myself further in the already isolated world of Covid Lockdown. It's funny how time spurs you on and gives you perspective, because in the same breath, it doesn't always grant forgiveness. Forgiveness for me, just isn't possible. I live and let live, but I will never, ever forgive. 

Louis was born at 37 weeks in the middle of the night, meaning for me that he will always have a 2 day birthday. The 21st July being the day I laboured and made that journey to meeting him, the day he was alive. Being born in the thick of night meant, that he was gone before the sunrise even appeared in the sky on the 22nd. Although Louis's birth certificate states he was born on the 22nd, I dedicate 2 days to him every year.

He was beautiful, perfect, and so heartbreakingly fragile. He lived for just two hours. Two precious hours that I will cherish for the rest of my life. He passed away in my arms, and with him went every plan I had made. 

My baby boy was gone. 

My relationship was over. 

My home was lost. 

My future, blank.

I didn’t know then how I would survive it.

But here I am, five years later, standing in a life I never could have imagined back then. Somehow, I survived, and I didn't just survive, I found myself again, I stood tall and found my own happiness on an entirely new path. 

I found that I was exactly where I am supposed to be, surrounded by the people that I was destined to do life with. For just how hellish 2020 was, the times I didn't think I would make it through... I look back now and know that everything happened for a reason. Everything happened to put me on this new path, and to teach my the hardest lessons of my life.

Because what 2020 tore apart, life has rebuilt in its own quiet, unexpected way.

I have a new partner —one who is kind, present, and loving. My best friend, and as of May 27th 2025... My husband!  I am pregnant again, carrying Louis’s little brother, and this time I feel supported, not abandoned. We’re buying a home. Building something solid. Something rooted in love, not fear.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How everything can fall apart and test the very fibers of your being—and yet, somehow, you find yourself exactly where you’re meant to be.

Back then, I thought life was punishing me. But now I realise it was redirecting me. Slowing me down. Making me listen. Making me choose myself.

Everything went wrong until I started listening to my gut, saying no to what wasn’t right, and trusting that better was out there—even if I couldn’t see it yet.

Louis taught me how to love deeply and lose bravely. He changed me forever, and I carry him with me in every decision I make. Louis is spoken about all the time, his name and face enter my mind each and everyday. 

He may have been gone for 5 years now, but I remember him every single day. I know he’d be proud of how far we've come. Of how I kept going when everything hurt.

So today, five years on, I honour my boy. I honour the pain, the growth, the transformation.

Life didn’t end in 2020. It just began again.

Happy 5th Birthday, Louis.

I wonder who you would be today, what you would be doing. The memories we would and should have made. I know that you are up there watching over us, and helping me grow your baby brother to be big and strong. 

You are always and forever in my heart <3

You’ll always be my favourite what if.