Monday 25 November 2019

We're Pregnant After a Miscarriage

Pregnancy after miscarriage

I really didn't think that I would be writing this post so soon, or ever actually. Somehow, some kind of Christmas magic or by a crazy twist of fate... 

I am pregnant... Again.

I am pregnant for the second time in 2019, pregnant again following my miscarriage back in July.

I am pregnant.

It's been less than 4 months since I lost our second baby, and here I am with the faintest little line on a pregnancy test. A glimmer of hope in the dark tunnel that I have been sliding along since our baby left.

 I really did not think that November was going to be our month, and to be honest we weren't even trying. In fact we weren't trying so much so.... That we didn't even do the deed throughout my fertile window (Or at least I didn't think it would have counted).

This truly is a miracle conception, as those little swimmers were laying around waiting at least 4-5 days before an egg came into the equation. But those two little lines do not lie. 

I have felt my ovulation pains more since the miscarriage, and that night of the 15th November they were really painful, I knew exactly what it was and dosed up with paracetamol. 

I have been testing every month since the miscarriage happened, It's a little addiction and I am always expecting it to come back negative, and they always do... Or they did...

I did the test and hopped into the bath for a soak after a busy Monday at work. I stayed in there 20 minutes or so without really giving the test a second thought, because I was certain it would be negative. Heck I didn't even know why I was doing a test, but I got out and went to have a look...

Pregnancy after miscarriage

I held the test up to the light certain that there was a second line. Confused, but certain. I moved out into the next rooms light, there was a line, the faintest line I have ever seen on a test before. I was only 10 days post ovulation at this point so really I wasn't due to test until at least November 30th (when my period was due). 

I swear by the One Step Internet Cheapies, they have not steered me wrong yet, and they produced a very faint line 5 days before my period was due. It was so faint that I was convinced I had line eyes. I took a photo and decided to send it to my sister, who was certain that she too could see the second line. 

I sent it to Luke and was met with '****', as we hadn't been trying this was a shock for both of us after what happened in July. I should still be pregnant with our little Pop, but my body had obviously decided to throw us into a whole new pregnancy.

I am so ready for this, it feels like a second chance. Right now it feels like I am stepping on egg shells, and I am really making sure to take care of my self. I have cut caffeine all together, stopped exercising (apart from dog walks) and just giving into the overwhelming tiredness that hits in the early evenings.  

It's been a week since I found out now, and I have watched the test line get darker each day (even though I know this means nothing in the long run), I have had it confirmed on a First Response and a Clear Blue Digital, I am currently about 2 weeks since conception.

I don't know how this is going to pan out, I don't know if I am going to get to hold my baby at the end of this pregnancy, all I know is, I need to stay positive and keep taking it a day at a time. 

What will be will be, but I would love this pregnancy to work out so much. 

I am not telling family this early on, Leo won't know until we know everything is OK this time around. I can't get him all excited again and then break his heart again. He would love to be a big brother so much, I truly do hope that this time I can make him one. 

Sunday 3 November 2019

Life After Miscarriage

My Missing Peace - 7 Week Remembrance Heart

It's coming up to 14 weeks since I miscarried, it's ironic how fast that time has gone in comparison to how slowly those 7 weeks of being pregnant ticked by. 

I would be coming up 22 weeks pregnant now, I would have a little bump. 

I would know if we were having another little boy, or a little girl.

We would be getting everything ready, buying baby clothes and planning the birth.

I would have had those first flutters, first kicks and everyone else would be able to feel the movements by now.

We would all be so excited.

We would be throwing names back and forth, maybe we would even know what we were going to call him or her. 

The reality is life is going on as normal. No body mentions the baby or what would be happening now. 

It's almost as though that part of my story never existed.

I feel like I am over the bitter side of things now, more or less anyway. 

In those first weeks I was incredibly bitter and angry, I most certainly did not want to be around pregnant ladies and their blossoming bellies. Admittedly though I can't help but scroll past pregnancy announcements on Facebook... I have spent longer staring at the images announcing babies due in the same month as what I would have been... But I haven't been able to bring myself to hit 'like'.

I was invited to my friends baby shower in September... But I really didn't want to go. I did stay away because I was quite honestly not ready for that.

I am feeling OK about everything now, but not a day goes by where I don't think about what happened and what should be happening now. 

I go over and over that night on July 30th in my head on a daily basis. I can see all the blood and I can smell it too, the smell of loss.

I can remember every detail, and it just goes round and round on replay in my mind.

Just before I had the miscarriage, I got into bed and sat up as if to get out of bed. I had a sharp pain that went up my tummy. It didn't last long, and I didn't think anything of it, one minute it was there.... And then it was gone. 

Around that same time, possibly even the same night... I had a dream. A dream where I was told that my baby had no heartbeat. I remember waking up feeling gutted and shrugging it off telling myself that it was just a dream, that I was being silly and everything was OK. 

I am absolutely certain that this was my body's way of telling me that my baby was already gone. 

It wasn't until after the viability scan though that I put the pieces together. I am a sucker for always looking on the bright side. 

Mentally and physically though I have recovered well. My first period came and went 6 weeks after the actual miscarriage, and was no different to how it was before I fell pregnant. People had told me how bad that very first period post miscarriage was, but for me everything went back to normal. Just like everyone around me.

Just like nothing had ever happened.

I have finally got back into my fitness, back to regular training and dog walks. This has definitely helped the endorphins flow and seeing the old Laura start to shine through has been just what I needed.

With all of the uncertainty surrounding our house move, I held on to our little baby. I didn't want to bury our little one at the house I was renting because I knew that I wouldn't be there forever. At that point I didn't want to bury the baby in a flower pot because I thought that very soon we would be in our forever home. A home where I would be able to make a big gesture and make everything super special.

If you have read my recent post though, you will know that our forever home is not possible right now. Which may lead you to wonder... What did I do with my baby after the miscarriage?

Well this may shock you, and I am still indifferent to have I feel about it. At this very moment in time, my baby and the gestational sac is in a plastic container in my freezer. 

This might sound strange, but honestly this was all I could think to do at that moment in time. I wasn't ready to party with the baby, I needed some time. 

Now I know that we won't be moving somewhere that I can bury the baby within the grounds under a special tree... I am drawn to the idea of a special indoor plant with a beautiful pot. I am aware that keeping my baby in the freezer is far from ideal, and I have felt such guilt over knowing how cold it is... All I need to do now if find the perfect plant and a pot fitting for our little one.

I should be buying a pram and blankets for our baby, but instead I am wondering what the most fitting tribute would be to tuck them up for eternity would be.

If you have any ideas of plants that have pretty flowers and come back every year, I am all ears, please leave your suggestions in the comments below.

I have also been looking at ways I can visually remember our baby, some people get tattoos or jewellery... But that wasn't for me. I recently discovered My Missing Peace - a company who make stunning remembrance items (and I have quite honestly never seen anything like this!).

I was drawn to the Remembrance Hearts, you can have these custom made. There are so many different colours, and you can choose a baby to add to the heart for the gestation you were when you lost the baby.

A lady in a Miscarriage Group I am a part of on Facebook had one bought for her by her other half, and I thought it was amazing. I managed to find the website and found an item that was actually in the sale (The company is based in Australia) so if you have them custom made it can take quite a while to receive it, so by choosing an item that was already made, it means I will have it quicker as it just needs to be sent.

I opted for the 7 Week Remembrance Heart in Galaxy, and cost me £48.00 including the delivery (It would have been more if I had opted to custom make my heart) but for me this is worth every single penny. 

I wanted and needed something that I could look at and visualise, I should be buying the world for my baby right now, but this is all I can do.

People have actually dared to ask me when I think I might have another baby (even when they know what happened in July), the reality is that it took 3 years for me to fall pregnant with Pop, and I am 30 now... So who knows if another baby in the future will even be a reality for me.

They say lightning doesn't strike twice, but I am terrified that it could.