Friday, 15 May 2020

27 Weeks Pregnant

27 Weeks Pregnant

These last weeks have passed in a blur, the lack of sleep and tummy knots of hurt and confusion have only added to the overwhelming feeling of not knowing what to do or how to move forward. 

I have had to silence all the noise and try to carve a path forward, take a new direction that I didn't want to take and try to re-write what my future is going to look like. 

Of course I am 27 weeks pregnant now, and I am kicking myself. If I had known what I know now at my 20 week fetal medicine appointment I can't honestly say I wouldn't have accepted the offer of a termination. I feel so guilty saying that, incredibly so. 

I hate that this thought has even crossed my mind, I hate that I have been made to feel that way subconciously. This week I have felt terrified at either prospect of having a baby, terrified he may pass away, and equally terrified that he will survive and his quality of life will be severely impacted. 

I took all scenarios into consideration when I made that decision several weeks ago, but when your life changes over night, you do have to wonder how you got to where you now are. Of course I would never change my decision now, I am invested and will see this through no matter what happens. I need to summon strength from within myself that I don't even know exists, but it really is the only way.

I'm busy working on drowning out the noise, trying to focus on my next steps and what that involves. 

I am almost in my 3rd trimester with so much un-certainty hanging in the air, a time I should have all my eggs in one basket and know that I am supported and loved. 

Baby boy has been wiggling and I am pretty certain he has gone from head down to breech again at points during this week, and now judging by his movements it would seem he has reverted back to his head down. 

For someone with no fluid he sure has a way of getting around. 

You can feel him grinding and bumping around in there, it's such a weird feeling when you can feel his body rising up and down. I don't re-call this feeling with Leo at all, granted it was 9 years ago now. 

27 Weeks Pregnant - Anhydramnios

 I have accepted that due to the low fluid and having a small baby, I probably won't ever have what I would call a 'real' pregnancy bump. Just another aspect of a normal pregnancy that I have been robbed of. My tummy is only hard where baby is, when he moves from the space he has occupied my tummy goes soft again.

I get jealous when I look to other pregnant ladies and see their blossiming bumps, bumps that signal healthy babies growing within, but at the same time I know I have to keep going and that my journey is unique.

There are no appointments this week, I won't see my consultant again until 30 weeks now. I do have to book my 28 week midwife appointment though and I know I am going to have to come clean with how I am feeling, because I am so worried about my mental health right now, although I do feel like I am starting to accept this new direction.

By filtering out people's actions and not filling my head with black clouds, I am focusing on myself, baby and Leo. I am focusing on keeping a clear head so that I can shut my eyes and sleep at night, and although those tummy knots keep rearing their ugly head deep down within me, for the most part I can silence them.

It's like everybody says, it's all about the baby steps. The getting up, the showing up, the amazing family and friends helping set your compass so that you get where you need to go. I keep repeating 'This too shall pass' and 'Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations' to myself, a little mantra of hope that hopefully puts me onto the path that I am supposed to be on.

It's been a crap week, I am not going to lie. I am not going to pretend that everything is ok when it is so far from ok. I have faith that one way or another a new normal will come out of all of this, that I will find my way out of this maze and be happy again. One day.

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