The Days After Louis

We left the hospital on the 22nd July 2020 without baby Louis. 

Leaving him there in the hospital was perhaps the hardest part of all of this. I had just delivered my baby and now I was leaving with empty arms. Heading home to an empty flat for a full nights sleep that I desperately needed, but also a sleep that should have been disturbed with newborn baby cries and feeds into the twilight hours. 

We had spent the entire day drinking Louis in and memorising the curves of his face. Now it was the evening and it was time to leave him. My Mum drove me home, the feeling of guilt growing with every step I took away from the cold cot, away from the bereavement room, away from the hospital.

As I got into the car and we put miles between Louis and the hospital, I really believed that would be the last time I ever saw him...

The evening was spent eating pizza with Leo at my parents house, and thinking of words to write a Facebook post to announce the arrival and departure of my Louis Christopher to my immediate world. The tears fell silently down my cheeks with each sentence I composed, and they fell even harder when the comments from friends and family started pouring in after learning that despite all the fighting of the last 8 and a bit months, there wasn't to be a happy ending.

Eventually Leo and I returned home to the flat, the flat that never felt like home. I don't recall arriving back or even putting the key in the door. I don't remember getting into bed, I don't remember sleep coming and I don't remember waking up the following morning. 

All I do know is that the next morning, I knew I needed to be back at the hospital. I needed to see Louis again. I couldn't stop thinking about him being all alone in the hospital morgue. My Mum and sister came with me, and we spent a second afternoon in the bereavement room at Worcester Hospital. 

I had brought along a swaddle blanket that I had bought for Louis. It was what he was supposed to spend his first nights fast asleep and dreaming in…I spent time wrapping him up and making him cosy. I found it ironic that I was putting all of these warm aids on him, when ultimately the biggest concern was making sure he was cool enough through this heatwave. 

I asked the midwife for some baby wipes, Louis was still as he had been born. I hadn't thought about cleaning him the previous day, while he was alive I didn't dare move, and once he was gone cleaning him didn't even cross my mind.

Now my natural instinct was to clean him up. I wanted to see who the baby boy was under the dried blood, I very gently wiped him all over, his face and his hair, revealing his beautiful face as it was meant to be appreciated. Watching his real features appear as the dirt lifted away made me feel like I was finally getting to be a Mum to him, even if it was just for a short time.

Simply cleaning Louis up changed his whole face, it revealed his blonde locks and from certain angles you could almost convince yourself that he was just sleeping. 

By 16:30 we had spent another summer's afternoon within the confined walls of the hospital, stealing every moment that we could. I already knew that I would be back again the following day (July 23rd 2020).

I tucked Louis back up into his blanket and back into his cold cot, and I knew that this wouldn't be his resting place for the night. After I left he would be moved back to the morgue where he would be entirely on his own again. 

Leaving that afternoon was just as hard as it was that first day, and I spent that night going back and forth over bringing him back home with us... 

Suddenly I knew I had to bring Louis home. I needed my baby home for however long I could.

It was a strange realisation, I had gone over and over this while I was pregnant and for a long time I always was going to bring him home. Somewhere along the way, that plan changed. I think out of concern for Leo and how it may effect him. I had a chat with Leo and asked what he thought about bringing Louis home, he jumped at the opportunity. Leo had taken everything the last few days had presented in his stride, and now he just wanted to bring his baby brother home. 

The 23rd July dawned, and I knew that today I was heading back to the hospital to discuss bringing Louis out of the hospital and back with us to the flat. My bereavement midwife was amazing, as she had been ever since I met her on the run up to my delivery. Straight away she started making all of the arrangements for us to take Louis out of the hospital and transport him in our car back to our modest 4 walls.

We were provided with a cold cot and a police reference number just in case we were pulled over on our journey, and had to explain why we had a deceased baby in our company. Something that I really hadn't considered in all of the thoughts I had had over getting Louis from the hospital back to our home. 

We loaded the cold cot into the car and then we brought Louis out, it all felt very cloak and dagger. It didn't feel like we should be seen, we didn't want to upset anyone else. Louis was placed in the cold cot on the back seat with me, he didn't need a car seat, he didn't even need restraining with a seat belt.

I remember that my Mum was driving, and I remember leaving the hospital for the last time, but I don't remember arriving back at the flat or how we transported Louis from the car and into the flat. From that day, Louis was with us.

Leo had been staying in my room since his dad left at 28 weeks pregnant, my little comfort blanket. This meant that we could set Louis up in Leo's room with his cold cot. We could take Louis out of the cold cot as often as we liked and there was something extremely comforting about having him there with us. 

We were in the midst of a heat wave so I was very worried about how this may affect him, the cot had come with a set of instructions of what we could expect, but we were also advised that we may have to take ice packs from the freezer and put them around him to ensure that he was kept cool enough.

Leo and I would stay up watching television and bring Louis for cuddles on the sofa. It felt completely normal and Leo adored this time with his brother. He got the snuggles and I got the snaps I had always dreamed of having, of my two beautiful boys together. 

A good friend of mine very kindly offered to take some photos of Louis for us, I jumped at the chance. We had some shots taken by a charity when we were in hospital, but I wanted something that I could have my own personal spin on now I had cleaned him up and we were home. We had these new photos taken and I am so pleased that we did. They highlight a time of immense sadness, but also a moment in time that was fleeting and would soon only be in our memories.

Having this time at home allowed family members and friends to come and meet Louis who wouldn't have ever had the chance to meet him otherwise. Some kept coming back to see us, no one seemed to be worried about meeting him. The most un-natural thing had happened in losing Louis, but having him close to us in the days after his passing and the run up to the funeral was the most natural thing in the world.

On July 24th Taylor Swift released her surprise album, Folklore. This became the soundtrack to Louis being at home. To this day when I hear it playing it takes me right back to being in that flat with Louis and Leo. After everything 2020 had thrown at us, I felt like this album was written for me.

I kept busy in those days, covid and lockdown were still raging on outside the confines of the flat but I had reached a point where covid was the last thing in the world I was worried about. The hospital had very kindly taken casts of Louis's feet with a set I had purchased, and I couldn't wait to get them painted up and framed. When I wasn't painting I was writing bits for the funeral and making plans for our final goodbye all while Folklore played continuously in the background.

I began walking again and exercising a few days post birth, I knew I had to get those endorphins flowing for my own sanity. Walking and Folklore became my therapy as I walked and took in the words, as I began to process all that had come to pass.

Being left how I was left is something I still struggle with. A lockdown, a pregnancy, a baby with a prognosis not compatible with life, another woman, an affair, the lies, the hurt, the mourning of my family, the mourning of Louis. All the milestones that ultimately made me face the rest of my pregnancy alone, the birth without the one person who should have fought fiercely to be by my side. Instead after Louis arrival and departure, I was in the bereavement room all alone. 

When I wasn't walking I was organising,  I had a wonderful funeral director who was already an acquaintance of mine through work, and I knew that as soon as we got on the phone together we were going to get along just perfectly. We discussed the dates that were available for Louis's funeral and how I wanted it to look. I always thought I would opt for a burial, but actually when the time came I chose cremation. 

I didn't want Louis to be anywhere I wasn't, I knew that I could keep his ashes with me for the rest of time, and perhaps at some point place him in a ring. This was something I was looking at while I was still pregnant, I think I always knew what was going to come to pass despite the blind hope burning.

Louis was due on my birthday, August 8th, and as we were now well on our way into August we decided to have Louis's funeral on August 7th 2020. The day before my birthday. We kept Louis at home with us until July 28th after having him home for 6 days.

I made the decision to take him to the funeral directors when the heat wave persisted and I was just incredibly worried about how this would affect Louis body. Just before 5pm I wrapped Louis up for one final time, I stood and took a photo in front of the mirror just to remember how he looked in my arms and then we got in the car to drove him the short distance to the funeral directors.

I knew I was leaving my baby boy in safe hands at the funeral directors, and I was invited to pop in to see Louis whenever I wanted to. I did do that a few times over the days that followed. We chose Lous's casket, a beautiful wooden coffin, the smallest I have ever seen. The next time I saw Louis he was placed carefully inside.

With Louis safe from the heat at the funeral directors, it was back home to the confines of the flat to continue planning his final goodbye.

Still a Big Brother

 When I told you the news of who was coming and what was about to happen

You were so happy, so ready and so full of passion

I couldn’t have asked for a better big brother

In the run up to the time that we would welcome another

You asked lots of questions and our excitement grew 

Soon came the news that made our hopes and happiness fade blue

We talked about the future and what may come to pass

The next few months we lived like Mummy was made out of glass

You were understanding, caring and acted beyond your years

I held you so tightly and we wiped away each other’s crocodile tears

We lived in hope and willed Louis to defy all the odds

At each appointment he surpassed expectation and accepted the pokes and prods

 

 As a Mother and Son we both grew strong

Together we walked the yellow brick road, although at times it was long

I was honest and together we ploughed forward

Even during the times I was out of my depth and life was disordered

2020 has been a year of hard lessons

Each one showcasing unexpected blessings

Never lose hope or extinguish the smallest ember

At the end of all of this you must always remember... 

You’re still a big brother even though Louis couldn’t stay

You’re still a big brother and he will be in our thoughts everyday

You’re still a big brother even though he was called to live on the moon

You're still a big brother even though he was taken away too soon.

You’re the big brother that went above and beyond

You’re the big brother who formed the most unbreakable bond

You’re a big brother to our baby in the sky

You’re still a big brother even though we had to say goodbye

Louis - For My Little Warrior

Two faint pink lines announced your existence

Over the next 8 months you fought with persistence

Each week dealt a new blow

But despite it all, you continued to grow

I held you so tightly and gave you every chance

From deep inside, I felt you start to dance

On the day that they told me your heart was broken

You willed me on when no words needed to be spoken

You broke all the rules and I lived in hope

Even when they said your lungs wouldn’t be able to cope

I wished for a miracle and that you would keep on going

You defied expectations even when your growth was slowing

At 37 weeks you decided it was your time

Arriving bottom first, I willed you to be fine

You never let out a cry or opened your eyes

You had fought so hard and I didn’t want any goodbyes

It should have been warm cosy cuddles 

And milk drunk snuggles

But in the end you left as quickly as you came 

And life will never ever be the same 

Little Louis the miracle was your courageous fight 

It was meeting you in the thick of night

The miracle was spending 2 sweet hours breathing you in

The miracle was that little dimple on your chin

The miracle was the journey we went on together 

It was all the storms that we managed to weather

The miracle was getting to tell you your name

It was that little lock of blonde hair that I have been able to frame

The miracle was every single heartbeat

My little army guy never admitted defeat 

I’m so sorry that my body pieced you together in a way, 

that made it impossible for you to stay.

Louis you taught me so much in such a short time

You taught me to stand still and appreciate the moment

You taught me to have hope in the darkest of days

You taught me to keep fighting no matter the prognosis 

You taught me things I couldn’t put into words if I tried

Louis, I will carry your fight, 

I will carry your lessons and I will carry you for the rest of my life.

Sleep tight baby boy, until we meet again

 

I currently have a Facebook Fundraiser running in honour of little Louis 

for a charity called Aching Arms. 

 Aching Arms is a charity who support parent's like myself, 

who don't get to bring their baby home with them.

They offer support to bereaved parents through the means 

of talking to a trained befriender, and they also provide 

Aching Arms Bear's to bereaved families. 

While I was in hospital I was gifted my own Aching Arms Bear 

in the name of a baby boy called Freddie. 

I knew as soon as I received my bear that I 

wanted to raise some funds in Louis's name, 

and donate bear's to families who walked 

in my heartbreaking footsteps in the future...

I started the fundraiser with the aim of raising £150.00 to donate, 

at the time of writing this we are sitting at £161.00! 

Any donations will be going directly to Aching Arms 

and will go towards Aching Arm's Bear's in Louis's name <3

 Donation Page

 

Louis Christopher - A Birth Story

Back in November when I first saw the faintest of second lines on a pregnancy test, I had no idea what the coming months were going to throw at me. As I lay in bed the other night I almost managed to convince myself that 2020 had just been one big bad dream, that Covid 19 had never really taken place (because let's face it... It does seem so very far fetched!), and that my pregnancy progressed without a single hitch...

There have been times during this pregnancy that it felt like the world stopped, just so my life could fall apart.

I have come a long way in 10 weeks, my mindet has become clearer and I managed to make peace with what may come to pass.

On Tuesday July 21st 2020, I went along to what I half expected to be my last scan and consultation appointment. I had woke to find that I had a bleed during the night, so I was glad to be heading off to have a check up.

As always the scan didn't really tell us much due to the low/no fluid, but as I had now reached 37 weeks pregnant. I was considered at term, a point in my pregnancy that no one ever really expected us to get too... I had been pushing for a potential induction from 37 weeks, but due to the bleed and how far gone I was, my consultant decided to examine me and see if she could perform a stretch and sweep.

I was told that I was already 1cm dilated and was so favourable that she had been able to touch Nugget's bottom! Nugget was of course still breech, but as far as breech birth's go, he was the good kind of breech. This meant that his bottom was firmly engaged and ready to go, just like the head would be in a normal delivery.

I wasn't overly surprised that I was already starting to dilate in one respect, I had wondered if the bleeding was a show, and it was pretty much confirmed during this appointment (Although later on I disovered that Nugget's placenta could have been starting to come away!)

After the scan I met up with my bereavement midwife Trudy. Trudy has been absolutely wonderful and given what may happen after Nugget arrives, Trudy offered to show me around the bereavement suite in case the worst does come about...

The bereavement suite was like a hotel room, it had a fridge stocked with sandwiches, cheese and biscuits and there was even ice cream in the freezer. It had doors that opened up to an outdoor garden space, and a private bathroom. 

We then walked through some double doors and into a delivery room. It was decided that I would labour and deliver in an actual delivery room as opposed to the bereavement suite, and then depending on what happened... Potentially move to the bereavement room after the birth.

It was nice to see where we would be and have a plan of action.

I had the stretch and sweep around 11:30am and then I made my way to pick Leo up. We went and met Leo's Aunt and Uncle at a local farm shop for brunch, and I told them that I thought I may be in early labour.

We decided that after a bite to eat we would head out on a nice long walk to try and get things moving along, I was hoping to be able to have a spontenous labour... If I didn't have Nugget by Friday, my midwife was coming out to perform another stretch and sweep, if that didn't work I was due to be induced on Monday 27th July 2020 (A whole month after Leo's birthday!).

 

I was pretty certain that I was starting to have niggles, and following the stretch and sweep I was losing more of the plug... I didn't want to jinx it but I had a feeling that I was going into spontenous labour!

At just before 16:00 on Tuesday 21st, I headed out on a 11k walk to hopefully really escalate things.

By the time I arrived at my parents house for dinner just after 18:00, I was confident that the contractions were most certainly happening. 

I am really lucky with how I feel contractions, they aren't painful. They are just not comfortable, my body seems to respond well to pregnancy, labour and delivery (just ashame that poor Nugget has had such a devastating prognosis). 

I did have to chuckle when my Mum told me what I was feeling was Braxton Hicks, I knew they weren't as I have never felt Braxton Hicks, it was then that I decided to download a contraction timer and start tracking how long the contractions were coming and how long they were lasting. 

Leo and I decided that we were going to have a movie evening, so I decided to pop to the shop and stock up on some snacks. I had a feeling I probably wouldn't be going to bed if things were going to go the way they went with Leo...

I strolled around Lidl with my contractions and wondered what might happen if I suddenly went into full blown labour. I had a chuckle when the friendly shop assistant realised I was actually in labour and out picking up snacks.

Leo and I came home and popped a film on, I hopped onto my birthing ball so I could bounce up and down and hopefully encourage Nugget along. My snack of choice was eating ice lollies like they were going out of fashion. Leo was wonderful and completely understood what was going on, and what may be about to happen.

I was quite happy bouncing on my ball through each of the contractions, I was timing them as I went and everytime I got up for another ice lolly, Leo would cheekily steal the ball to have a go himself. I text my sister in law a screenshot of the contractions, they were happening on average every 3 minutes and lasting for 30 seconds. 

I didn't think this fell into the criteria of 'GET TO HOSPITAL ASAP' but my sister in law thought that I should call and let them know, as she thought Nugget might have plans to hit the eject button... So given the nature of our pretty unique situation, I did ring up the triage number on my notes. 

I spoke to a midwife just after 23:00 and explained how I was definetly having regular contractions, and I knew things were definetly progressing (despite how I was talking and holding myself), and that I thought I probably should come in to be seen due to the underlying issues...Especially since when I got in with Leo I was already 9 and a half cm (They told me not to come in as I was talking through the contractions!)

I had planned on driving myself but my second brother's girlfriend Carla had very kindly offered to take me over to Worcester hospital, my brother was coming to sit with Leo and the dog. After I had taken the dog out for a pee, showered and double checked my hospital bag (which I had finally packed and managed to keep the snack stash topped up on!), we made our way over to the hospital.

I joked that at least my water's wouldn't be going in Carla's car, and kept timing my contractions on the car ride over. We arrived at the hospital just after midnight, Carla asked me what I wanted her to do, did I want her to come with me and stay while I laboured, or did I want her to go home? 

I had said all along over the last 10 weeks that when the time came for Nugget to make his appearance, I would do it on my own. As Carla had very kindly brought me over, I thought it would be nice for her to stay, but I did warn her that this wasn't going to be your typical labour and delivery... And as she is yet to have a baby, it would probably be best not to base any future pregnancy's on what she may see...

Due to Covid I first had to be confirmed to be in established labour, and then it would be cleared for Carla to come in. I plodded over to the triage and ran into the midwife that I had spoken to on the phone, they decided that it would be best for me to be checked out on the labour and delivery ward.

I was handed over to Kate who was going to be my midwife that night. I found I was in the same delivery suite that I had been shown earlier that morning. I hadn't anticipated being back quite so quickly!

Kate was lovely and I soon had a cup of tea in my hand. Everything was set up and then it was decided that we should see how I was dilating. I had guessed that I was probably about 4cm by this point, and Kate soon confirmed this! 

It was discovered that Nugget had a tiny pocket of fluid around him, I asked if it was enough to make any difference to his lungs... But sadly I was told that it wasn't.

We had already discussed my birthing plan and what that meant. I had opted for an un-monitored birth as I didn't want to be told during the actual labour if Nugget hadn't made it, I wanted to get the hard part over and done with and then have chance to hold my baby.

I could feel that the contractions were getting stronger, but I could still maintain a conversation. Kate said that she had been surprised anything was actually happening due to how I was holding a conversation and not screaming the place down. 

I remember asking 'How long do you think it will take to be fully dilated' and Kate responding, 'maybe a few hours?' So I paced around, sat on the loo and paced some more. The contractions were certainly progressing but I had given up timing them by this point.

Kate said that she was going to give me some time with Carla, the one instruction that I was given was 'give me some time to get back in if you think something is happening'. Which of course I dutifully promised to do. 

I was getting so warm, I asked Carla to whack the air conditioning all the way down. She looked like she was freezing, but I felt like I was on fire. I was missing the birthing pool and just how easy that made everything with Leo, but I knew that it sadly was not an option with little Nugget.

I spent most of my time just sat on the loo, and then suddenly I felt like I probably shouldn't sit there anymore... I plodded out of the toilet and told Carla to press the buzzer because the baby was coming and I didn't have any control...

I had been instructed that when the time came, the best position for me to be in for a breech birth, would be on my back. I knew I was going to struggle with being on my back, because although the contractions are ok when I am standing (or sat on the loo), I really struggle with sitting and laying down...I think this is because of the pressure.

So as I reached the bed, I threw myself onto all fours and knew that I had now lost any and all control. Thankfully Kate made it back into the room and just managed to get her gloves on as Nugget bombed into the world bum first. 

I can quite honestly say that I didn't push, he just arrived. And he arrived fast, around 45 minutes after I asked how long the actual labour may potentially take...

In the end I had only a few puffs on the gas and air, before I decided that I didn't like it and ended up just forgoing pain relief.

Louis Christopher was born at 1:30am exactly weighing a tiny 3lbs 5oz.

Louis was born alive and in his membranes, despite the worry being that he wouldn't survive a natural birth. 

Louis was born quietly and never let out a cry.

 I remember asking 'Is he alive? Did he make it?' I was told that he was alive but his heart rate was slow.

There was a little worry that I may be losing a little more blood than they would have liked, but it was later said to me that the placenta might have been starting to abrupt. This could have lead to a very different type of labour and delivery. It is possible that given a few more days.... Weeks... That the placanta could have abrupted and Louis's life support be turned off while he was still in utero.

The moment Louis arrived, the contractions stopped and I was suddenly freezing.

I knew that if Louis was handed straight to me that medical intervention wasn't going to be pursued, and once the pediatrician entered the room (part of the reason I was supposed to give them as much time as possible, was so that the pediatrician could be outside and ready to come in! But Louis had other plans!) it was quickly decided that little Louis was too poorly and I was told that he was going to be handed straight to me.

I knew exactly what this meant.

I was still on all fours at this point, so Louis was passed back up through my legs. I just kept telling him how sorry I was, over and over again. He looked just like Leo, he had a beautiful little face and little button nose, he was gorgeous.

I suddenly noticed that his leg seemed to be in a funny position, I asked if that was because of the low fluid, and it was explained to me that it was a common injury from a breech birth. Louis had disclocated his hip and his leg was actually up over his broken heart. 

Both of Louis's feet had been affected by the low fluid, and he had what they call Club Foot or Bilateral Talipes. 

I stayed in the position I had given birth in snuggling my little fighter and drinking him in, unsure just how much time I would get with him. I was asked if I would like to be the one to cut the cord, but I think I was in shock at just how fast things had escalated. So I watched as Louis life support for the last 8 and a bit months was cut away. 

It was decided that due to a fibroid in my uterus that it would be best for me to have the injection in my leg to bring the placenta on, as this carried less risk. In my hyped up state, I was certain the placenta looked just like a steak!

Louis was put into the outfit I had brought in for him to wear, It was a preemie outfit with little blue teddy bears on it. It was made to fit baby's who weighed between 1.5lbs and 3.5lbs. 

I wrapped him up in Leo's favourite blanket and just held him. I was so scared to move, so scared to hurt him, so scared he may be in pain from his hip and leg.

Louis never ever cried, and he never ever opened up his eyes.

He had fought all these months, and he had fought all the way to be in my arms. 

I just stared at him, and wished I could make him better. 

 

Carla had been amazing, she had rubbed my back and been there for the whole labour and very quick birth of Louis. Then she rang my brother and decided to go and pick Leo up in the deep thick of night so that he could hopefully meet his baby brother in time...

I was given some time on my own with Louis, I said so much to him, but I don't really recall what I said, I whispered to him and the labour play list rumbled away in the background. I wanted to take so many videos of him, so many photos, but I was so scared to move. 

I don't remember what I said to him, I know I told him I loved him over and over. I stroked his face and felt his warmth... It was like time had stood still, but it was actually running away.

Leo arrived and met Louis, and somewhere in that meeting, I touched Louis's little cheek and realised that he had started to go cool...

I knew that my little fighter baby had gone to sleep forever, and he wasn't going to wake back up again. 

Weirdly I didn't cry, the adrenaline was still buzzing round my body. I held Louis until Carla, Chris and Leo left and then Kate took Louis over to the table for the pediatrician to check his heart rate. I already knew he was gone, but Louis's little broken heart was confirmed to have stopped at around 3am.

Louis lived for 2 whole hours, we both fought so hard to meet each other. 

It wasn't the ending that I wanted of course, but it was an ending that I had been mentally prepared for. An ending that I think on a subconcious level I knew was going to come to pass.

I had some full on deja vu moments in the hours and days since Louis threw himself into the world. One of these instances was when I was sat in the bath in the delivery suite, not long after little Louis had left, it was a feeling of complete familiarity that washed over me and consumed me. Something that I felt I had dreamed at some point, or perhaps even lived. 

It was just like some prophecy was coming true, that perhaps I always knew I was going to get to meet Louis, but sadly keeping him was not on the cards.

I wished so hard for Louis to keep breaking the rules and for a miracle to keep him safe and here with me...

It turns out that a miracle did happen, and that miracle was his couragous fight and surpassing all the milestones that I was told he would not. The miracle was him making each and every appointment, the miracle was us having a sponteneous labour and Louis actually surviving the birth. 

If this was the way it had to be, then I am so glad that things worked out the way that they did. Louis made it all the way to his Mumma's waiting arms, and he spent 2 hours wrapped up in love and warmth, before his closed eyes remained closed and my beautiful fighter went off to sleep.

I am so proud of my little warrior baby. 

I will love him forever and I will carry each and every lesson he taught me for the rest of my life.

It has been a busy week in the time since Louis left and I am currently in the process of planning his funeral which takes place on Friday 7th August - 2 days before his due date, and a day before my birthday.

I have an acceptance of what happened because the whole pregnancy shaped me for what was going to happen, but my heart is truly broken and part of me has died with him. 

Keeping busy is my only way forward right now, I will update on the rest of last week and this coming week in a seperate post, but I just wanted to let everyone who has willed him on, prayed for him and lived this with me, know that he made it all the way into my arms <3

32 - 34 Weeks Pregnant - IUGR and Anhydramnios

It's been a few weeks since I sat down to write a Nugget update, and it has certainly been a busy few weeks to say the least. 

Following on from my last post, I am pleased to say that a new normality is forming (even amongst furloughed life and Covid 19). Leo and I are making plans for the future and despite having some storms to weather over the coming weeks and months, we are so excited to start house hunting and moving on with the next chapter of our lives.

I am very lucky to have an incredibly supportive family, and if it wasn't for them I would probably still be sat curled up in a ball on the floor and rocking relentlessly backwards and forwards. A big drive for me has been getting moving, putting on my headphones and going out on some rather epic walks just to clear the fog that descends in my mind. 

Endorphins really are the best anti-depressent ever!

Nugget has been breaking more rules over the last few weeks, at 32 weeks I had to take a trip to hospital due to a bleed. It was at this point I realised how under prepared I was, I didn't even have the basics for a hospital bag, and despite making a list weeks ago... I didn't have a clue what I needed.

I called up the triage and overloaded them with information about baby and myself, they told me I needed to come in and get checked over. They told me to bring my hospital bag in case they needed to keep me in, or in case baby was going to make an appearance. 

They asked me who was bringing me in, and I explained that I would be driving myself. The guy seemed shocked and advised me to get dropped off, but I explained that it was fine and this was how I wanted to do it.  

I started to throw things into a bag and explaining to Leo that he was going to have to stay with Grandma and Grandad while I went over to Worcester to get checked. I explained that I didn't know what was going to happen or what time I would be back, and thankfully he was absolutely fine about it all. 

Leo actually said the most lovely thing to me this week, and anyone who has followed this blog for a time will know that he has always had a favourite blanket. It's something I have always found very endearing about him, over the years I have managed to get my hands on about 5 of these blankets (actually a cot duvet that was part of a cot set from Toys R Us!) on Ebay! 

Leo wants his baby brother to have one of these blankets, he wants me to take one with me to hospital when he is born especially for him. 

This beautiful gesture on Leo's part equally melted and broke my heart all at the same time!

I have found being honest about everything with Leo as it happens the best way to keep him happy with what is happening/going to happen. I threw what I thought I may need into a bag and off we went.

When I arrived at hospital triage was full, so I was taken down to the delivery ward and set up in a room for them to do all their checks on baby.

Everyone was so lovely, I had to explain how complicated the situation was to quite a few different people, and as baby was looking so good on the trace machine, for the first time in my entire pregnancy I was told not to give up hope.

This both floored and confused me further...

Nugget looked nice and strong on the trace machine which was nice to see, but I always find this difficult as I know that the scans paint a very different picture. We were left on there for quite a while which was fine with me. I had been handed a little clicker that I had to press everytime I felt him move. 

Of course Nugget decided to stay very still, but that wasn't out of the ordinary for him, he has never moved like I remember Leo moving, as he has got bigger the movements have changed. Instead of being a foot or hand to the stomach, it's more of an overall movement. Almost like a swipe as his entire body slowly moves to where he wants to go.

I have always put this down to the low/no fluid, he's essentially vaccum packed and doesn't have the opportunity to kick or hit out. So Nugget's movements are not so pronounced, which of course is normal for him and what I am used to. 

It is always quite tricky to explain though...

Eventually the on duty consultant came to see me, they checked to see if they could see why or where the bleed had originated (they used a torch and I couldn't help but chuckle!), but it wasn't obvious and as it had been old blood they weren't overly concerned. 

It was with the consultant that I discussed my birth plan and what I wanted to happen, up until this point they were talking about keeping me in overnight for monitoring. When they heard that I was having an un-monitored birth they decided it was ok to send me home again.

Over the next few days I had some on/off bleeding and what I think was a 'show', just before I was off on a 10k walk, as you can see.... I still went!

I had my next official consultant and scan appointment on the 23rd June where I would be 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I could feel Nugget moving around in his fashion so I decided to wait until then to discuss all of this.

The consultant in charge of my case is amazing, I have so much respect for her and all she has done for Nugget and I. The first thing she asked me was 'Are you still feeling him move?' to which I informed her that he was still here and fighting!

Everytime I tell her that he is still with us she looks shocked, he keeps defying all the odds placed on him and breaking all the rules. We discussed my trip to hospital the week prior, how I was with everything else that had been going on behind the scenes (which thankfully was all incredibly positive!) and the scan commenced! 

As always a thorough check of Nugget was carried out, and as always you don't see a lot on the scans due to there being no fluid, but I instantly saw the beating of his little broken heart. It's been months since I saw anything that actually resembled a baby on the screen, but I know he is in there.

As the scan continued I saw her hovering over what I thought could potentially look like a stomach, but as Nugget's stomach had never been seen on a scan in the past...I thought that I was just jumping the gun and that this wouldn't be the case. 

As it happens... My consultant started talking about how she could see what appeared to be fluid in baby boy's stomach!

I asked how this could be? 

Where had the fluid come from? 

The consultant looked just as baffled as myself, and she told me that 'he really was a little enigma'. 

That much is certainly true!

Nugget is weighing in at an estimated 2lbs 1oz (absolutely tiny for his gestation), but he has grown. I was then told that it was positive that he was growing, and if it was just the heart condition and Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) then there could be some hope, but obviously we have the Anhydramnios and small lungs at play in our scenario too... Along with potentially things we don't even know about yet.

There is still zero fluid around baby (Anhydramnios) and he is still breech. My consultant thinks that even though he continues to grow and stay put for now, ultimately when we get to delivering him, this is potentially where we could lose him. 

This prompted a number of questions on my part, as I was so confused on what I needed to include in my hospital bag. 

Packing a hospital bag that didn't really include anything for baby was so foreign to me and I was certain that I was missing essential items..

Did I need to include nappies? Baby grows? 

Anything for baby at all?

It was decided that I should maybe purchase some premature baby clothes, but I got the impression that was more for me than it was for the baby. I figure he will only need clothes that early on if he loses his fight, as if he was in NICU then he wouldn't really require clothes...

As for nappies, it was explained that I wouldn't be able to purchase them small enough for my little fighter.

It looks as though I will still have the Pediatrician at the birth, and ultimately if he is born alive, his fate lies in his hands. He will make the overall decision on whether to intervene or to let nature take it's course...

I have to admit that I have been doubting my decision over whether or not I want steriods for baby before he arrives. It really is a difficult decision and I think that is the one thing that I will keep going over and over in my mind, as I said last time I have decided against having them, but what if this is the wrong decision?

Maybe I will get more clarity from future scans, maybe things could look more positive? Maybe the decision will be taken completely out of my hands and be irrelevant anyway... It really is just a case of waiting and seeing what happens next.

I am hoping that I will be induced should I reach 36/37 weeks, I feel this will allow more control over when and how baby arrives into the world, and I feel the need to control any aspect of what can actually be controlled in a very out of my control situation.