Tuesday 6 December 2016

It's been a while...

As we come to the end of 2016 which has been as equally long, as it has been a whirlwind. I have to say that I have learned so much about myself in the last 12 months, and grown in ways that I could never quite have imagined. 

I feel like it has been a very long time since I have been able to sit down and write a post about what has really been going on in my life, and to be honest if I had then you would probably be thinking you had tuned into an episode of Eastenders, and some of the things that have happened have been so hard to put into words, or I have put them down on paper and they have spent the last however many months just sat in my draft box, and even I am scared to open them and read what they say. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, I have been so busy trying to keep my head above water that I have somewhat neglected my little space on the web. Things have been incredibly tight since I moved out, so I really have had to throw myself neck deep into my work and hope that I have the money to pay everyone who rattles their purse strings at me on a monthly basis, and despite cutting it fine, I am proud to say that one way or another I sort it out, even if it is by the very skin of my teeth. Of course that means compromise, and in turn I have to compromise on the long list of things that I really want to write (and for that I apologise!).

This year has admittedly been a hard one, if it hasn't been finanacial then you can bet your bottom dollar that it has been emotional and I have seen some pretty low points, and even a version of myself that I wouldn't even recognise as me. 

I finally pulled my finger out and knew exactly what I wanted from my life, and who I want in my life, and you could even go as far to say who I need in my life. I have never been one of those girls who has dreamed of getting married, I haven't spent my childhood dreaming about prince charming or the perfect fairy-tale dress, it's just never really been something that I thought about, and I guess in honesty the idea scared the living daylights out of me. I guess that is one of the things that changed within me though, because it no longer scares me and I can say with certainty that one day I would love to get married.

I see people around me planning their big day's, heading off on their Stag and Hen experiences, throwing thousands of pounds into a one day that will be over in a mere few hours... I cannot justify that to myself in anyway at all. It's funny because people often consider me to be a materialistic person, but the fact of the matter is that couldn't be further from the truth.

This year has taught me the value of everything and everyone in my life, and I don't need to put on a massive show to the world about my relationship, because if I get married in the future, it will be because I want to spend the rest of my life with that man. Not because I need to spend over the odds on a dress that I will wear once, or because I want to have a massive party with the finest champagne, but because I want to share his name and complete my family. I would be quite happy to elope and do it away from everyone, and then have a celebration upon our return. There is something quite romantic in the idea of running away and tying the knot, and for someone who finds it hard to be the centre of attention without turning a funny shade of beetroot, this idea may seem even more appealing.

All I would really want is a beautiful open space (Have you ever watched the Friends episode where Ross marries Emily? That would be my perfect location, or somewhere like that anyway!), a princess dress (because every bride needs one of those!), a photographer (doesn't need to be anything fancy, just someone who knows there way around a camera, and can capture the milestones throughout the day) and someone to video the day, because how nice would that be to look back on with your children and grandchildren in the years to come?

I don't need hundreds of people and I don't need the biggest party of the year, because I don't have anything to prove, and for me it's about unifying my family, and not putting on a big show.

I have given all of this so much thought over the past 12 months and my feelings on the issue have not changed, and I think that is all down to what I have been through this year (That is a whole other post!), but I can basically summarise it into this...

You know that feeling of 'ok', that feeling where everything has it's place like a pair of worn in shoes, they just fit, it's so easy to take that for-granted and long for a pair of brand new shoes, I know because I did take that feeling for granted. But when the ground beneath you is ripped away and that falling feeling consumes your entire being, you realise just how secure and stable that feeling of 'ok' really is, and boy how you long to feel ok, how you wish that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach would be replaced by that calmness just so you can go to sleep at night. That simple feeling holds you in place and keeps your feet firmly on the ground, or anchor beneath the waves, it's something that everyone needs in their life.

2016 taught me to appreciate everything and everyone, and I now truly appreciate that feeling and serenity that comes from being ok.

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