I remember reaching viability in my pregnancy with Louis after being told that we most likely wouldn't get there far. It felt like we had reached a tremendous milestone and that perhaps there was real hope at the end of this dark tunnel we had been shooting through. For me it meant that there was a chance at life for my baby boy, but it also meant that if he did succumb to eternal sleep, that at least we could give him a funeral.
Inevitably we did have to say goodbye to Louis after his arrival at 37 weeks.
In the weeks following Louis' birth, instead of nursing him in the thick of night and watching his little face dance with gassy smiles, I planned his funeral.
I sat writing quite a lot during this time, poems that at the time I thought were just for me as I tried to make sense of all that had happened, but ultimately ended up sharing very publicly in the program for Louis' funeral and later had read out during the service.
I poured my heart and soul into those pieces, sitting at the breakfast bar in the flat alone just letting words flow down onto the notes document before me.
I had never organised a funeral before and didn't have a clue what I was doing. I had a wonderful funeral director who really took me under his wing. He was a man that I had known through my job over the years and was a real treasure during those days and weeks. After we had dropped Louis off with him, he let me know that I could just pop by and see him whenever I wanted to, and I did do that quite a few times in the time running up to the funeral.
I remember being asked to pick out a coffin for Louis, a coffin.
Not a Moses basket or cot.
A coffin.
Funerals for babies don't usually cost you anything and somehow it is all taken care of for you, the coffin we chose was included, had we wanted anything different then we would have had to pay something toward it, but this little coffin was what I would have chosen regardless.
As soon as we had chosen the coffin, this is what Louis stayed within while at the funeral directors. He looked very much at peace and the lady who worked there told me that she would give him squishes for me when I wasn't there. The idea of him getting love and cuddles in my absence put my heart at ease.
I had opted for a cremation for Louis and a non religious service. I wanted this day to be all about the journey that we had gone on together over the last 9 months. My words were more fitting than anything that could have been pulled from the bible. I wanted it to be personal.
The funeral had been booked for the 7th August 2020 at 10am.
The day before my 31st Birthday.
I had asked everyone to bring a sunflower and wear bright colours. No black.
I had found my Louis dress, a white summer dress covered in sunflowers.
We were still in the midst of the covid lockdown and although funerals were happening again now they were limited to 30 people. This just felt crazy to me, I knew there was a long list of people who wanted to come along to say their first hello's and final goodbyes to my little baby boy who didn't get to stay.
I remember one of the ladies who worked there clocking that it was a babies funeral and abolishing the 30 person rule. I was incredibly thankful for that gesture.
The minister who had performed Louis' naming ceremony at the hospital had very kindly offered to take the service for me. This felt like exactly the right thing to do, he had been there in the immediate hours following Louis' arrival and had got me through that very first day.
On the day of the funeral the heat wave was persisting, it was an absolutely beautiful day. Not how you would expect the weather to be. We made our way back to the funeral directors and saw Louis in the tiny white casket. He looked at peace, and I took the opportunity to give him one final squeeze that had to last for the rest of my days.
We got back into the car with Louis, and with him in his casket on my lap we made our way to the Vale Crematorium a short 20 minute drive away. When we pulled up there were already people congregating outside as the sun beat down upon them.
There were easily more than 30 people there, from family members to the midwives, people who had been following our story and hoping for a miracle.
They were all stood there clutching sunflowers.
The day its self has been left blurry in my mind as I remember back, I recall saying hello to people and walking in to Eric Claptons 'Tears in Heaven'. I can't remember who carried the casket now and placed Louis at the front on the stand. I remember getting to my seat and being to afraid to cast my eyes back behind me, so I just sat there facing forward staring at Louis' coffin.
The minister delivered the service exactly as I had wished he would. I couldn't bring myself to stand up and face anyone and asked the minister to read out my words, which just happened to be the poems I had put together. The service it's self was made up of poems, my own writing, songs and a second naming ceremony.
There were a number of pieces of music that I needed to be within the service.
J J Heller - Always
Coby Grant - Winter Bear
I made a short video documenting the journey that Louis and I had travelled together. His life had begun many months before, he had grown within me and defied all exceptions that had been placed upon him. I wanted to show that.
The song this was set to was J J Heller's 'Missing Piece'.
The poems that I wrote for the service are live on the blog
There wasn't a dry eye in the house that day.
At some point during the service everyone was invited up to Louis' side to place their sunflowers over his casket. I know I got up and laid mine upon him, but I don't recall if I was first, last or somewhere in between.
By the end my baby boy was completely covered in sunflowers.
Then the service concluded.
The curtain enveloped around, and we all walked back outside in the summer sun.
Louis was now gone.
There would be no more cuddles, simply picking him up and feeling his weight in my arms. His face emblazoned in my minds eye but now only physically visible in the photos I had managed to take. Louis was now physically gone.
We didn't hold a wake, some of my friends all went off to the pub to raise a toast to Louis.
I tip toed off with my immediate family and went out for lunch and a much needed gin and tonic.
The next day was my birthday, but I really didn't feel like celebrating.
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