17 weeks pregnant

This week I didn't take a picture of my growing tummy.

This week has been a blur, and one that has not been easy to navigate.


Usually the further into a pregnancy you get, the more closure is bestowed upon you. In my first pregnancy I looked forward to the scans, there were never any red flags, worries or doubts that I wasn't carrying a perfectly healthy baby boy. 

My last 2 pregnancies have shown me two very different sides of the coin, one resulted in miscarriage, and my current much wanted pregnancy is teaching me yet another lesson. Potentially the hardest lesson yet, one that plunges me into the unknown and doesn't guarantee me that happy ending, even though right now there is still a strong heartbeat.

At a private gender scan on Saturday everything changed and I feel like I am mourning a baby that is still very much alive and fighting for life.

Any reassurance we had gained from the fluid on Nugget's neck retreating by 12 weeks was floundered, we were thrown back down the rabbit hole and have been free falling ever since.

It is now Monday, I am 17 weeks pregnant. I text Nicky (you will know her from my previous posts), and within a few minites she replied. I am so thankful for this lady, and it looks as though she will be squezing me in at Worcester Hospital at some point this week.

That second opinion was on Tuesday 3rd March - and if you have been following our experience so far, you already know what that brought to the table.

Which is just beyond incredible, Fetal Medicine called and cannot see me until Friday. The wait already feels unbearable, I just need a second opinion and a chance to ask my questions, have an idea of what they are suspecting. 

Suddenly it feels like the high NT reading could in fact have been pointing towards all of this, chromosone abnormalities aside they are also linked to fetal heart conditions. Which of course aren't picked up on scans until the babies reach a size where they can be looked at, like now.

I have of course spent every waking moment following the scan trying to make sense of what I have been told, Google of course hasn't helped, it hasn't really told me anything.

I knew that taking Leo into school this morning was going to present me with lot's of questions from people all wanting to know if we were having a little boy or a little girl. I knew I could half answer the question without getting emotional, I said 'They suspect a baby girl, but their legs were firmly crossed'.

It was the question that always inevitably follows that I knew I was going to struggle with 'And was everything ok?'

I can't lie, and my face can't lie. Nor can my voice as the tears start to spill. All before I have even got Leo into school.

How can I answer is everything ok when right now it looks anything but ok?

It's been a rollercoaster of a week, and one where I pretty much took a step back from the pregnancy and ultimately my baby. I know that in the next couple of weeks I should start to feel her move, but right now aside from my tummy starting to feel a little harder, that is the only telling sign.

It's been a tough pregnancy, but week 17 for me may have been the week that broke me. I miss the period of time between 12 weeks through to week 16 where we were fianlly getting excited and even buying things.

Week 18 is going to see me having my Amnio and going back into wait mode.

I have hidden away this week, while the rest of the world seems to be self isolating because of Covid 19, I have just wanted to avoid people. I have just wanted to be on my own. It's taken me a few days to sit down at the computer and write this week up, I guess as it's a week that I would rather pretend didn't happen, but equally it's a monumental week in how this pregnancy may end.

It's a different type of pregnancy update this week, but I have decided that I will be taking a bump photo for week 18, I have to pick myself back up and capture what is happening, regardless of how all this does end.

Right now I am still growing my baby, right now Nugget is tucked up safe and her heartbeat is still strong.