Still a Big Brother

 When I told you the news of who was coming and what was about to happen

You were so happy, so ready and so full of passion

I couldn’t have asked for a better big brother

In the run up to the time that we would welcome another

You asked lots of questions and our excitement grew 

Soon came the news that made our hopes and happiness fade blue

We talked about the future and what may come to pass

The next few months we lived like Mummy was made out of glass

You were understanding, caring and acted beyond your years

I held you so tightly and we wiped away each other’s crocodile tears

We lived in hope and willed Louis to defy all the odds

At each appointment he surpassed expectation and accepted the pokes and prods

 

 As a Mother and Son we both grew strong

Together we walked the yellow brick road, although at times it was long

I was honest and together we ploughed forward

Even during the times I was out of my depth and life was disordered

2020 has been a year of hard lessons

Each one showcasing unexpected blessings

Never lose hope or extinguish the smallest ember

At the end of all of this you must always remember... 

You’re still a big brother even though Louis couldn’t stay

You’re still a big brother and he will be in our thoughts everyday

You’re still a big brother even though he was called to live on the moon

You're still a big brother even though he was taken away too soon.

You’re the big brother that went above and beyond

You’re the big brother who formed the most unbreakable bond

You’re a big brother to our baby in the sky

You’re still a big brother even though we had to say goodbye

Things I have Learned Being a Pet Owner For 4 Years

 

It’s been 4 years since we brought our mischievous puppy home, and haven’t those years been full of fun and mischief. 

Lux, our now 4 and a bit year old Dalmatian is always keeping us on our toes.

Thankfully his destructive days have fallen into the past tense, but his running away days will happen as soon as he is provided with an opportunity.

It was just the other month that I mistakenly left the gate open and unleashed Lux on the general public, I was in the middle of a field half an hour into a 12k stroll when I got the call to say ‘your dog has escaped’.

Thankfully he was commandeered by the post man who was then spotted by my Dad, and he was safely returned home. I was very thankful that he didn’t get hit by a car, but I knew that one way or another he would cost me at the vets as a result... After a week of Lux throwing up I took him to the vets for a once over. £65 later and he seemed to be on the mend again.

I guess you could say, that you really do know you have our big bundle of puppy, and that statement can equally be applied to the garden...

Dalmatian’s as a breed have a gene mutation that means that causes high levels of Uric Acid, this can cause the breed to form crystals and/or bladder stones... but it also means that these beautiful dogs can really kill a lawn with their urine!

There have been many times that I have considered ripping up the lawn and laying some Cheap Artificial Grass instead. I always notice that the lawn does back quicker over the winter months and leaves nothing but mud in its wake, of course when spring rolls around I can be found hastily throwing grass seed down in the hopes of rejuvenating some life into the turf before summer rolls around.

I was fully aware of the gene mutation in the breed before we committed to a Dalmatian, this has meant that I can work with Lux and make sure that we keep him healthy by feeding a low purine diet. 

Purines are found in many different types of food, but there are certain food groups that boast higher levels. It is due to this that we have primarily fed Lux a raw diet that consists of chicken thighs, eggs, meaty bones and vegetables. These are all foods that keep his purine levels low, and ultimately help us to keep him stone free!

We float his meals with water so that we can keep flushing him through (I know... the poor lawn!), but it also means we need to avoid the food groups with higher purine levels, which unfortunately for Lux means absolutely no offal! 

It is also due to this that we decided against using kibble dog food, opting to construct his diet ourselves. 

You could say the last 4 years have been a learning curve, and you wouldn’t be mistaken! I have learned that it's not just the parts of having a dog you know will cost you money... You also have to budget for the things that will unexpectedly come your way.

For me this has come in the form of having to upgrade my hoover to something that can handle the amounts of dog hair that drop out of Lux on a daily basis (365 days a year!), and in those puppy days... Replacing the kitchen floor and patching up the wall he decided to eat!

Every so often Lx likes to do something that we aren't expecting, you know... Just to remind us that he still can be destructive if he so chooses to be... I learned a long time ago to never leave ANYTHING on the kitchen worktops when we go out without him...

As mischievous as Lux is, he is equally as loving, and although life would be a lot quieter if we hadn’t brought him home, our lives and hearts certainly wouldn’t be as full.

Disclaimer: This is a featured post

Louis' Funeral - The One Where We Said Goodbye

 I remember reaching viability in my pregnancy with Louis after being told that we most likely wouldn't get there far. It felt like we had reached a tremendous milestone and that perhaps there was real hope at the end of this dark tunnel we had been shooting through. For me it meant that there was a chance at life for my baby boy, but it also meant that if he did succumb to eternal sleep, that at least we could give him a funeral. 

Inevitably we did have to say goodbye to Louis after his arrival at 37 weeks. 

In the weeks following Louis' birth, instead of nursing him in the thick of night and watching his little face dance with gassy smiles, I planned his funeral. 

I sat writing quite a lot during this time, poems that at the time I thought were just for me as I tried to make sense of all that had happened, but ultimately ended up sharing very publicly in the program for Louis' funeral and later had read out during the service. 

I poured my heart and soul into those pieces, sitting at the breakfast bar in the flat alone just letting words flow down onto the notes document before me. 

I had never organised a funeral before and didn't have a clue what I was doing. I had a wonderful funeral director who really took me under his wing. He was a man that I had known through my job over the years and was a real treasure during those days and weeks. After we had dropped Louis off with him, he let me know that I could just pop by and see him whenever I wanted to, and I did do that quite a few times in the time running up to the funeral. 

I remember being asked to pick out a coffin for Louis, a coffin. 

Not a Moses basket or cot. 

A coffin. 

Funerals for babies don't usually cost you anything and somehow it is all taken care of for you, the coffin we chose was included, had we wanted anything different then we would have had to pay something toward it, but this little coffin was what I would have chosen regardless.

As soon as we had chosen the coffin, this is what Louis stayed within while at the funeral directors. He looked very much at peace and the lady who worked there told me that she would give him squishes for me when I wasn't there. The idea of him getting love and cuddles in my absence put my heart at ease.

I had opted for a cremation for Louis and a non religious service. I wanted this day to be all about the journey that we had gone on together over the last 9 months. My words were more fitting than anything that could have been pulled from the bible. I wanted it to be personal.

The funeral had been booked for the 7th August 2020 at 10am.

The day before my 31st Birthday. 

I had asked everyone to bring a sunflower and wear bright colours. No black. 

I had found my Louis dress, a white summer dress covered in sunflowers.

We were still in the midst of the covid lockdown and although funerals were happening again now they were limited to 30 people. This just felt crazy to me, I knew there was a long list of people who wanted to come along to say their first hello's and final goodbyes to my little baby boy who didn't get to stay.

I remember one of the ladies who worked there clocking that it was a babies funeral and abolishing the 30 person rule. I was incredibly thankful for that gesture.

The minister who had performed Louis' naming ceremony at the hospital had very kindly offered to take the service for me. This felt like exactly the right thing to do, he had been there in the immediate hours following Louis' arrival and had got me through that very first day. 

On the day of the funeral the heat wave was persisting, it was an absolutely beautiful day. Not how you would expect the weather to be. We made our way back to the funeral directors and saw Louis in the tiny white casket. He looked at peace, and I took the opportunity to give him one final squeeze that had to last for the rest of my days. 

We got back into the car with Louis, and with him in his casket on my lap we made our way to the Vale Crematorium a short 20 minute drive away. When we pulled up there were already people congregating outside as the sun beat down upon them. 

There were easily more than 30 people there, from family members to the midwives, people who had been following our story and hoping for a miracle. 

They were all stood there clutching sunflowers.

The day its self has been left blurry in my mind as I remember back, I recall saying hello to people and walking in to Eric Claptons 'Tears in Heaven'. I can't remember who carried the casket now and placed Louis at the front on the stand. I remember getting to my seat and being to afraid to cast my eyes back behind me, so I just sat there facing forward staring at Louis' coffin. 

The minister delivered the service exactly as I had wished he would. I couldn't bring myself to stand up and face anyone and asked the minister to read out my words, which just happened to be the poems I had put together. The service it's self was made up of poems, my own writing, songs and a second naming ceremony.

There were a number of pieces of music that I needed to be within the service.

J J Heller - Always

Coby Grant - Winter Bear

I made a short video documenting the journey that Louis and I had travelled together. His life had begun many months before, he had grown within me and defied all exceptions that had been placed upon him. I wanted to show that. 

The song this was set to was J J Heller's 'Missing Piece'.

The poems that I wrote for the service are live on the blog

Still a Big Brother

Louis

There wasn't a dry eye in the house that day. 

At some point during the service everyone was invited up to Louis' side to place their sunflowers over his casket. I know I got up and laid mine upon him, but I don't recall if I was first, last or somewhere in between. 

By the end my baby boy was completely covered in sunflowers. 

Then the service concluded.

The curtain enveloped around, and we all walked back outside in the summer sun. 

Louis was now gone. 

There would be no more cuddles, simply picking him up and feeling his weight in my arms. His face emblazoned in my minds eye but now only physically visible in the photos I had managed to take. Louis was now physically gone. 

We didn't hold a wake, some of my friends all went off to the pub to raise a toast to Louis. 

I tip toed off with my immediate family and went out for lunch and a much needed gin and tonic. 

The next day was my birthday, but I really didn't feel like celebrating. 

Louis - For My Little Warrior

Two faint pink lines announced your existence

Over the next 8 months you fought with persistence

Each week dealt a new blow

But despite it all, you continued to grow

I held you so tightly and gave you every chance

From deep inside, I felt you start to dance

On the day that they told me your heart was broken

You willed me on when no words needed to be spoken

You broke all the rules and I lived in hope

Even when they said your lungs wouldn’t be able to cope

I wished for a miracle and that you would keep on going

You defied expectations even when your growth was slowing

At 37 weeks you decided it was your time

Arriving bottom first, I willed you to be fine

You never let out a cry or opened your eyes

You had fought so hard and I didn’t want any goodbyes

It should have been warm cosy cuddles 

And milk drunk snuggles

But in the end you left as quickly as you came 

And life will never ever be the same 

Little Louis the miracle was your courageous fight 

It was meeting you in the thick of night

The miracle was spending 2 sweet hours breathing you in

The miracle was that little dimple on your chin

The miracle was the journey we went on together 

It was all the storms that we managed to weather

The miracle was getting to tell you your name

It was that little lock of blonde hair that I have been able to frame

The miracle was every single heartbeat

My little army guy never admitted defeat 

I’m so sorry that my body pieced you together in a way, 

that made it impossible for you to stay.

Louis you taught me so much in such a short time

You taught me to stand still and appreciate the moment

You taught me to have hope in the darkest of days

You taught me to keep fighting no matter the prognosis 

You taught me things I couldn’t put into words if I tried

Louis, I will carry your fight, 

I will carry your lessons and I will carry you for the rest of my life.

Sleep tight baby boy, until we meet again

 

I currently have a Facebook Fundraiser running in honour of little Louis 

for a charity called Aching Arms. 

 Aching Arms is a charity who support parent's like myself, 

who don't get to bring their baby home with them.

They offer support to bereaved parents through the means 

of talking to a trained befriender, and they also provide 

Aching Arms Bear's to bereaved families. 

While I was in hospital I was gifted my own Aching Arms Bear 

in the name of a baby boy called Freddie. 

I knew as soon as I received my bear that I 

wanted to raise some funds in Louis's name, 

and donate bear's to families who walked 

in my heartbreaking footsteps in the future...

I started the fundraiser with the aim of raising £150.00 to donate, 

at the time of writing this we are sitting at £161.00! 

Any donations will be going directly to Aching Arms 

and will go towards Aching Arm's Bear's in Louis's name <3

 Donation Page