Today was going to be exciting, full of smiles and love.
We had big plans.
They involved excited family members, a proud big brother, helium balloons and conftti cannons.
Today we were finding out if we were welcoming a healthy baby boy, or healthy baby girl into our family this coming August.
The gender scan had been booked for weeks and had been something I was really looking forward to, after all of the official and serious scans it was nice to have something that was lighthearted and allowed me to bond with the little person growing inside of me.
Something that wasn't about high nuchal translucancy, or cystic hygromas, or worrying about the babies health. Just a fun private scan to find out if we were having a little boy or a little girl, something normal pregnant mum's do when everything is going as it should.
I was finally feeling excited after all of the un-certainty of the last month and a bit. I even ordered one of the big purchases for the baby last night, now it was all feeling positive and real.
As Luke was at work today, we decided that we would have the scan and have the gender written down on a piece of paper. We had a gender balloon ready to get inflated and filled, and we were going to find out all together later this evening.
I should have known I was setting myself up for a fall, I should have known that it was all going to come crashing down around me.
We arrived at the scan, I paid the bill and we were called into the same room that I have been in twice before. It started off very light hearted, Nugget's heart was beating nicely and we saw that he or she was still hanging around upside down like at the last scan.
With their legs..... firmly crossed.
I did some jumps, I shook my belly, but little Nugget was not interested and was not about to roll for us anytime soon.
The sonogropher moved onto taking measurements and having a closer look at baby.
The head, the heart, the femur length and the spine.
We watched Nugget on the screen all the while thinking that aside from them not wanting to give away their little secret, everything else was ok.
I don't recall how she broached it, it all seems like such a blur now. I don't remeber what I did, or even what I said. The sonogropher started rolling off a list off 'differences' in our little baby.
The differences or abnormalities as they should probably be referred to were rolled out one after the other, in the babies heart she had only identified 1 outflow tract and was questioning a VSD (Ventricular Septal Defect) which could mean a hole in the babies heart.
I asked if this was fatal or there was treatment but she couldn't or wouldn't speculate.
Then there was the abnormal posterior fossa and cerebellum topped off with a dilated 4th ventricle in the babies head. I know one of these can affect balance and the 4th ventricle which she suspected could be filled with fluid, could simply be an immature fetus that would dissapate with maturity ,or maybe even be an indicator for Spina Bifida.
Finally she topped this all off with scoliosis of lower spine marked with a ? on the report, again potentially another marker for Spina Bifida?
At the end of all of this she said that she was pretty certain she knew if we were having a boy or a girl, and she asked me whether I want it written down as we had discussed, or given what we had just been told, did I just want to be told?
At this point any real curiosity for the sex of my baby had long since gone, it had been replaced with that all to familiar worry about whether or not my baby was going to even be ok at the end of all of this.
I told her to just say, I no longer had any desire to make a song and dance out of announcing our babies gender to friends and family.
'From what I can see, It looks like you are having a girl'.
We were in love with the idea of a baby girl, Luke had been hoping and so had my Dad for that matter. Our little girl would be the first Granddaghter in our family, but here we were again with so much un-certainty, I just couldn't get excited at the prospect and definetly didn't feel like rushing out to buy clothes.
We were supposed to walk away with 3 scan images and a CD full of all the snaps taken, including 4D. Instead I walked away empty handed without even a mention of any of it. I was too broken to question it. I was trying to digest what I had just been told.
I held it togeher on the drive home, I
held it together as I told Luke the concerns over the phone. I fell
apart when we pulled up on my parent's drive and he asked 'How did it
go?'.
Any composure was now gone and I let the tears roll.
I was told not to Google, I was told to just wait and see fetal medicine when they called. Googling is what I do to try make sense and understand what I am being told. Googling heart related conditions when you have no idea about hearts in general is not advised. I left more confused than when I started, I couldn't match any of these anomolies with anything, so I sat there defeated at my keyboard.
I went over the report I was given, and I went over it again. I cried some more, and then I cried some more. Luke called and I balled.
I went around in circles, Leo came out and gave me multiple cuddles, I listened to JJ Heller's Missing Peace on repeat all afternoon and into the evening. It summed up exactly how I was feeling. I cried some more.
Eventualy the tears stopped, but I was very aware they could start again at any moment.
It feels like the stress and anxiety of this pregnancy has finally got me on my knees, but again I had to remember that where there was life there was hope.
I will fight for our baby girl, I will be her biggest advocate and number one supporter. I will see this pregnancy through and be strong enough to do what is neeed. I may cry, but I will do it.
Right now I am thinking positively, I am clinging to the fact baby was in a difficult position, that just because things weren't seen, it does not mean they aren't there. Babies grow and develop at different rates, there are many variations of normal.
So baby girl, you just have to keep on fighting in there, because I am fighting for you out here.
