Fighting for a EHCP and Mediation

Shortly before schools finished for the summer holiday, our then SEN teacher was working hard towards gathering and submitting evidence for Leo's EHCP (Education Care Health Plan), you may recall that I actually attempted to do this for Leo myself back in 2017.

Back then I hit a stumbling block, I can only assume within the school as they said that at this point they could accommodate for Leo's SEN nee

ds within the current academic setting. I wasn't convinced but agreed for the time that I would let the decision ride. Flash forward 2 years and we are talking potential EHCP's again, only this time the school are suggesting that it may be beneficial.

Of course I backed the decision entirely, the evidence gathering began and was submitted just before the end of the Summer term. I didn't hold much hope of actually achieving the EHCP as I had heard that they were like gold dust, but I did hope that with Leo's Tourette Syndrome diagnosis we may have more of a chance of obtaining it. 

Summer flew by and we were soon back at school and ready to kick start Year 4, Leo's tics had really faded to nothing over the summer holiday, but with the academic year starting again we fell back to earth with a crash. 

A month later we had the letter that I had been anxiously awaiting, a letter sealing our EHCP fate. 

It had of course been denied. 

Another stumbling block, another no, another door shut in our faces. 

Another case of Leo being on the cusp, a seemingly typical child, beautifully behaved, but had SEN needs that were beyond your typical school child, not severe enough for a 'special' school, but a delay none the less.

As I sat there reading the letter that had been issued, I decided then and there that this wasn't the end of the fight. We would appeal, we would go to mediation and if needed tribunal. 

I had a meeting with Leo's new SEN teacher who is quite frankly amazing, luckily for us she really knows her stuff having been on both sides of the coin. She once worked for the local authority and met with families to decide why and how they should issue an EHCP, and she now works as a SEN teacher within our school academy. 

We formulated a plan, we met with the Local Authority who went through their decision, it became apparent that it was a lack of evidence that had resulted in our 'No'. We had 3 months from the date of the letter to go to mediation, they told us that we should leave it as long as we could in order to gather further evidence that could potentially provide a different outcome. 

We did just that, and a few days before the appeal process closed forever I sat and composed an email making sure that I included everyone I needed to within the email chain. To go through the mediation process we had to contact a mediator, I emailed the Two that were recommended on the letter, and quickly heard back from one of them.

Before I made a decision on who I would prefer to work with, I spoke with both of the mediators on a separate basis. I opted for a man named Charles, he was full of knowledge and came with a great reputation, he role would be to listen and essentially lead the mediation meeting, he would pose his own questions and give structure to the agenda. 

Charles said something on that very first phone call that really stayed with me 'Remember when you were at school and posed with a maths question? After all is said and done, the working out was always the most important part. If you got the working out wrong, the answer would be wrong'. Charles emphasised the importance of evidence, things like costed lesson plans, he stressed that schools were so busy teaching the kids, that their working out was often lacking, and the lack of evidence was often the reason for the negative outcome.

Wise words!

It was hard getting a date in the diary being so closed to Christmas, but we eventually nailed down as many of the required attendees as we could, and confirmed the date for Friday 13th December 2019.

We met at a local hotel in the library, I brought my Dad along for moral support as Luke was away with work. Charles the mediator was present along with our school SEN and a lady from the local authority.

I had prepared an A4 page of my own thoughts and feelings which was essentially a short over view of Leo's entire educational background. I spoke about how the initial concerns were raised at Leo's 2 and a half year check and how those concerns were then highlighted at Nursery level and followed him into his school life. 

Our SEN teacher then gave her evidence, Charles did his bit and within an hour the Local Authority had decided in our favour and granted Leo the EHCP that we had been fighting for. 

It was such a productive afternoon, and I am still in disbelief that we managed to change their minds and get something that will be so beneficial to Leo throughout the rest of his education.

I do wish that this had been granted years ago, I kick myself for backing down and not going with my gut, but we got to the finish line in the end. 

For Leo this now means that he will have his own funding within school to help him achieve his individual goals, it will stay with him until he is 18 and leaves school. It means that Leo can attend any school I feel is best for him, even if it is out of catchment. We apply and it's almost a give in that he will get in.

We should have our draft plan with us by the end of January, at this point I will have another meeting with Leo's SEN teacher and we will make sure the plan is what we need. I have been advised that even if amendments are needed to the over all plan, to accept it and make the changes at a later date so that at least the ball is rolling.

I finally feel like we have got somewhere, I have spent years banging my head against a brick wall with no real outcome, but finally I have made enough waves to ride all the way to the shore. 

It's so important to always keep fighting, to always stand your ground and not stop talking until you are listened to. 

Pregnancy Update - Weeks 4-8

I didn't start writing lots of posts like last time, just in case the worst should happen.. again. So I just let the days and weeks tick by, I am writing now as I have had my early scan and I know that everything is ok. Baby has a beautiful strong heartbeat and I know how far along I am.

At this moment in time I am 8 weeks + 5, I found out stupidly early again though, 10 days past ovulation and before the HCG was strong enough for a Clear Blue Digital to even pick it up, the first one of those I got was a 'Not Pregnant' - Which in true style I popped open and revealed the faintest lines inside!

Over New Year and into early January I suffered with flu like symptoms, the lurgi had been doing the rounds and I was unlucky enough to succumb to it. I put off taken paracetamol for the first day due to the worry, but eventually gave in as even my eyes were hurting.

It was reassuring to know that we had the early scan booked.

We went along to our early scan and baby lined up with my dates bar a few days, and we were given the Estimated Due Date of August 11th 2020! I was originally on the 7th August 2020 so it was literally just 4 days out from my own estimate which i'm pretty impressed with!

Fast forward a few days to the 29th November and I got my 'Pregnant - 1-2 weeks.

In the first few weeks up until what would have been about 6/7 I was incredibly tired.

Luke was away with work training, and he would ring around 10pm but I was already spark out asleep, so we went almost a week without physically talking on the phone due to the tiredness. Aside from the tiredness my boobs have been progressing in soreness and getting more veiny. It's strange how it happened because it really has been a gradual process and now they are noticeably sore, but not as sore as I remember them being in my pregnancy with Leo.

The tiredness as well, it's not the same as the tiredness in my first pregnancy. Up until 6/7 weeks I was in bed nice and early.... but now at almost 9 weeks I am back to staying up late again. If anything there have been some nights where I cannot sleep, or when I have the dreams have been so vivid and real.

I had a dream that mine and Luke's wedding went horribly wrong with lost rings and double bookings, I dreamt that I went to my baby scan and they found the baby straight away. That was the best dream, it almost felt like my body telling me that everything was going to be ok. 

I had the opposite dream in my previous pregnancy, I had dreamed that at the scan there was no heartbeat, and subsequently went on to miscarry, but following my latest dream, I went to the scan and saw my little baby's heartbeat beating away on the screen!

Luke and I had kept the news to ourselves, the only person who knew outside our little fold was my sister Alice (who actually got sent the pregnancy test before Luke did!), Luke had been on his usual Monday night training session, and when he walked through the door just before 10pm, he could see my sister and I sat at the breakfast bar leaning over a very faint pregnancy test!

Luke was in disbelief the longest, I started taking my folic acid as soon as I found out, and I booked my booking in appointment for the 17th December 2019. I knew that I would be required to give a urine sample so I sat there at the first of many appointments that require a full bladder (really needing a wee!). I was hoping that I would have the same midwife as back in June, and then she popped her head around the corner and called me into her office telling me how nice it was to see me back!

As Luke couldn't make the appointment I decided to take the notes I had from our miscarriage as all Luke's details were the same, so this allowed Louise to simply transfer them all over into fresh notes for a new pregnancy.

I got a little upset as we discussed what happened but she kept telling me that I was here to stay this time, that they were going to keep me. She took bloods and the urine sample and that wrapped up our booking in appointment. 

It was super quick because we already had all the information, which also meant I made it to school in time to pick Leo up!

That night I decided to take a photograph of my maternity notes (Don't ask me why, I have no idea). I climbed into the bath and sent what I thought was a funny meme to my family's group chat (I'm talking, Dad, Mum, Brothers x 2, Sister and all of their partners... Of course what I really sent was this photo of my pregnancy notes!

Guess what? I couldn't work out how to delete images on WhatsApp! Within a second my brother replied... I'll insert the screen grab of the conversation below.

Basically I announced my pregnancy by mistake to my whole family! 

Everyone but Leo of course...

Now we have seen the heartbeat, now we know that the baby is growing and healthy we decided to tell Leo on the 2nd Jan 2020.

We laid out the 'Best Bro' t-shirt that we had bought for him back in June (the t-shirt that he never wore, that has just been sat in a box) and placed the baby scan on top and called him into the kitchen. I asked him what he thought it was and he told me 'it's a baby' and he knew straight away. He asked me if it was another baby and I explained that yes it was and he was so happy. A massive smile on his face at the realisation that he was finally going to be a big brother in August 2020.

He couldn't believe how long we have all known though, he jokingly called me a dirty liar while giggling. 

The day after the scan and telling Leo, we all ventured over to Worcester to see what baby bargains could be had at Mothercare before they close their doors forever! It was a sad sight but we managed to get some wonderful bits!

The scan and actually buying some bits for baby has made it all seem so much more real.

I have a NHS Dating Scan on 16th January, I should be 10+2 at that point.

Let’s just hope this pregnancy continues to stay normal and uneventful. 

Babyface4d Early Scan Review

I found out that I was pregnant again on the 25th November, ironically on the 25th July I was told that I had miscarried. Going by my last period I would have been due on 30th July 2020, one whole year to the day since the miscarriage actually happened. 

I have been taking this pregnancy one day at a time, trying not to look too far ahead, trying not to get excited just in case this ended in tears like before.

I held off booking a early pregnancy scan this time, in fact I wasn't going to be booking one this time round after last time...But after my booking appointment I was told it would most likely be the end of January before I would get a dating scan, and the thought of potentially miscarrying before then and never getting to see my baby scared me into booking a reassurance scan.

There was no way I was going to be booking back in with Peek-a-Baby again, but I had heard wonderful things about Babyface4d who have clinics in Birmingham and Bromsgrove. The man on the phone was lovely and I explained why I was booking due to our previous loss, he was so helpful and got us booked in for 17:20 on January 2nd 2020.

Christmas and New Year went really slowly for me, I was just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that I was doing everything right to keep our little Nugget growing and healthy. I had a dream over the festive season where I was at the scan, and that everything was ok and even saw the heartbeat thumping away. I hoped that this was my bodies way of telling me everything was ok... Especially since I had the opposite dream last time and unfortunately it came to pass.

After what felt like the longest wait ever, the 2nd of January arrived. I had come down with a nasty cold virus and spent the day wiped out on the sofa (as I have every day since too for that matter!). We dropped Leo at my parent's house and made our way over to Bromsgrove.

I arrived with a full bladder and half expected them to tell me to go and empty it so they could see something (this is what happened at every scan in my failed pregnancy). I was scanned by Jill Agnew the owner of Babyface4d, Jill is an advanced ultrasound practitioner and has over 14 years experience in obstetric ultrasound and  was even a Midwife for over 25 years!

I knew I was in safe hands, and even if it wasn't good news that she would take the time to go through everything with me.

Thankfully it was amazing news, no sooner as the doppler touched my tummy, my retroverted uterus (which she picked up on straight away!) appeared on the screen, along with a healthy pregnancy sac and 8 week 2 day baby!

We witnessed the heartbeat beating away, and we even got to hear it for a short time. It was amazing, absolutely incredible and despite being poorly, I left on cloud 9.

We got 2 prints of our little Nugget and we decided that we could finally tell Leo that night.

Christmas Gift Inspiration for the Entire Family 2019

Christmas 2019 is on the horizon, December has arrived and with it a fair few dusting's from Jack Frost himself. Which of course means that I have been hard at work on my Christmas gift feature for the upcoming festivities!

I decided this year to do it as one post, and we will be kicking things off with what I truly believe is the hardest category... The men in our lives of course!

For Him

Luke is a man who pretty much has everything, if he wants something he will usually just pick it up and that is the end of that. It often means I have to get creative in order to find the perfect gift that he doesn't already have. Last year it was organising a decade of photographs into 2 rather large photo albums!

This year I have already sorted his main present, but it's always nice to look at some stocking fillers to accompany the main gift!

Now that other half of mine has to stay rather impeccably preened, this is due to the nature of his job. This means that he has to shave on a daily basis, and he is often in a debate about the best way to go about keeping the stubble and facial hair at a minimum.

You can never really go wrong treating your better half to a new facial trimmer, and the Wahl Aqua Blade 20 in 1 Multigroomer has been very much welcomed into Luke's grooming routine. This is what is known as a multigroomer, you can trim, shave and add the detail you desire thanks to the extreme precision blade. 

Luke was always using disposable razors before this and kept coming out in a rash, but since he has started using the Aqua Blade it has made a real difference to his skin (Especially around the neck). What is really fab is that this isn't just a facial groomer, it can be used for a hair cut or all of the body.

The Wahl Aqua Blade 20 has a big thumbs up from Luke (and his sensitive skin) and retails at £99.99 - At the time of writing this it is on offer at £66.99 and comes with a lifetime blade warranty! 

I haven't got round to blogging about this yet, but back in June Luke actually decided to have a hair transplant! The hair is rally starting to grow now and it is fair to say that Luke is really pleased with the results. The hair line at the front has really come in, but it is still thinner on top towards the back (and he has spoken about potentially getting this area treated to). So I thought a nice stocking filler for this year would be the Nanogen Hair Fibres.

I know that Luke is not alone when it comes to worries about receding hairlines and thinner patches that come with age (and experience!). The hair fibres help the hair to look instantly thicker, and this is achieved in a very natural way. All you have to do is select the colour that reflects your hair and then follow the included instructions to get the best results.

It is pretty amazing what can be achieved with the hair fibres, Luke loves them (although only wears them when we are going out or for special occasions), I think he is a bit shocked at how well the coverage really is. Luke has the light Brown colouring and you can see the colour of his hair in the photos.

Nanogen have a whole selection of supporting products from shampoos to hair serums. Nanogen Keratin Hair Fibres retail at £18.95 but are currently on sale at £13.27.

A nice little stocking idea comes in the form of Nad's and their Nose Wax Kit. A quick and easy way to remove those pesky nose hairs (also suitable for middle brow hair!). It's simple enough to use and is just a case of warming the wax in the microwave, loading the applicator with the wax, pulling your upper lip down and inserting the applicator inside the nose and letting the wax cool for around 60 seconds.

Nad's For Men Nose Wax Kit Retails at £13.25.

For Her

I think that present buying in general is a lot harder than it used to be, if someone wants something then they usually get it for themselves as soon as that want/need arises. Luke has spent weeks asking me what I want for Christmas and my answer every time is nothing, of course this is not helping his gift quest one little bit...

You can never go wrong with gin and sweet treats though, that's just a fact. Cartwright & Butler have some absolutely gorgeous food gifts. There are hampers to suit every budget, biscuits from their pantry, teas, coffee, drinking chocolates and even wines and other spirits!

Were big gin lovers in our house and we are always excited to try new and different gins, Cartwright and Butler have their Darjeeling Infused Parlour Gin. This gin is infused with Darjeeling tea leaves and blended with juniper, coriander, lemon and acacia honey along with a combination of delicate spices and botanicals.

We took the bottle over to my parents for dinner one evening and everyone agreed what a lovely refreshing taste this gin had. We paired it with a regular tonic and lots of ice!

The gin comes in a really well presented tin and would make a great gift for the gin lover in your family. Darjeeling Infused Parlour Gin is available to purchase from Cartwright and Butler and retails at £42.95.

Another great little gift in the wake of the current plastic climate would be Vaso Premium Glass Straws (especially for enjoying those Christmas tipples!).

As a family we have really made an effort in 2019 to reduce our plastic waste and this has meant that we no longer buy sandwich bags for Leo's lunchbox or anything that could become 'throw away plastic' - As an alternative to sandwich bags we put Leo's sandwiches in takeaway pots that we have kept and re-use.

We have never really bought plastic straws but it is always nice to have one, which is why the Glass Straws from Vaso are such a brilliant, environmentally friendly and sustainable idea!

The straws come in packs of 4 and in 3 different lengths so you can have 15cm straws for your shorter glasses and either 20cm or 23cm for your tall glasses.

No matter the size you choose each pack of Vaso Glass Straws each contain 4 straws, the prices range from £14.99 - £16.99.

I have always been interested in giving waxing a go, but I have never had the time to go to the salon and get it done. so I have been a 30 year old wax virgin well into my 30th year! Although I can now say that I am a complete convert!

Nad's have a wonderful selection of products depending on what you want to achieve, I have been having a play with the Nad's Natural Sugar Wax over recent weeks (A real first for me!) This particular wax doesn't require heat as they simply warm with your body heat as you smooth it over your skin.

I wasn't sure what to expect in terms of the pain that people talk about when it comes to waxing, and I think I have probably built it up more in my head over the years, but it wasn't really that bad at all. It certainly wasn't enough to make me think 'I won't be doing that again!'. The results have lasted longer than shaving for sure, and I loved that it was so easy to wash off the wax with water when needed.

The kit comes with re-usable cotton strips that you can wash and use as many times as you wish, and also comes with 6 x applicators and of course the sugar wax.

A few other nice stocking filler ideas from Nad's could be the Brazilian & Bikini Wax or the Nad's Body Wax Strips!

For Kids

This year we have gone with the 'less is more' scheme for Leo, so that after Christmas we don't have to find homes for things that he will never play with or will sit gathering dust. Leo will be getting some really lovely book collections including the entire Harry Potter works, I am so excited to start reading these to him.

We have also treated Leo to some audio book collections, our favourite being the David Walliams audio cd's that have some of Leo's all time favourite stories on! This seemed like a no brainer to us as Leo can be kept awake at night with his Tourettes, so we thought it would be nice if he had a nice long audio cd to fall asleep to after I have tucked him in, read him a story and left him to sleep.

Leo's main present this year will be a brand shiny new bike, something that he has talked about wanting for a few months (and having seen how small his old bike is looking, it's high time we sorted one out for him!)

If your stuck for main presents this Christmas and you have a child that loves imaginative play then you need look no further than Playmobil. Playmobil are one of my favourite brands, I even used to love and adore them when I too was a child. As the years have gone by, their collections have grown and it is wonderful to see.

The Playmobil City Life Furnished School is a really lovely set, it comes equipped with 3 teachers and 6 students. What's amazing about the Playmobil sets and the school is no exception, is all of the detail that they throw in, the students have school books and backpacks, desks and bikes to get to and froms school. There are classrooms all set up for the teachers to teach the children and there is even a digital clock that has a school bell and a working alarm clock!

That's what I love about Playmobil though, the scenes stay the same but the child gets to make up a new game/story every time they play and even after all these years, Playmobil is a gift that just keeps on giving.

The Playmobil Furnished School retails at £99.99 and would make a fantastic main Christmas gift this festive season!

Disclaimer: The items featured within this gift series have been sent in exchange for our honest thoughts. All opinions shared are honest and my own.

Zippos Circus at Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland

We have been saying for years how we would love to go along to Winter Wonderland in London's Hyde Park, it's about a 2 hour journey for us so unfortunately it fell at the lower end of our festive to do list. 

Until this year...

Zippos Circus very kindly invited Luke, Leo and myself along to watch their brand new Christmas Circus which is currently running at (You guessed it!) Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland! 

On Sunday 24th November we awoke early, wrapped up in our Winter's finest and hopped in the car. A few hours later we were tubing it right into the heart of our Capital City and making the stroll through the scenic Hyde Park.

I can't believe how many times I have been to London and never ever gone to Hyde Park, it's beautiful and I discovered the Squirrels for the first time in my 30 years of life! The squirrels are so tame they will eat out of your hand and even sit on your lap! I was in absolute disbelief and couldn't help myself from calling the world and all of the squirrels to sit on me!

After our walk through a golden Hyde Park we found ourselves at the Winter Wonderland entrance, this is where Leo started to get super excited as I apparently neglected to tell him about all of the rides. We made our way straight to the big top tent to meet the team at Zippos and decided to come back for the 1pm showing.

My advice to anyone going to Winter Wonderland this festive season is go in the morning as it is most quiet then (many people wait for evenings so that all the lights are on), we didn't have to wait in lines much at all until later on in the day which was just fantastic!

Leo decided that he wanted to go on the ice slide first, so we had a great time watching him zooming down the slopes, and his massive smile spoke volumes for how much he was loving his day. I insisted that we needed to go and see the Magical Ice Kingdom who this year have put on an incredible display of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.

It's a very chilly -10 within those walls, but the displays are absolutely fantastic. Leo soon changed his mind from 'Ice is just something you put in your drink', to one of awe and wonder. He couldn't quite believe the detail that had gone into making all of the ice sculptures! He especially loved the ice slide that was hidden away!

After all of the fun of the morning it was time to grab something quick to eat (yes of course in the shape of a Bratwurst sausage in a bun!) and make our way to wait for Zippos Circus to commence. 

The big top is kept super warm so you will be able to take off all your your Winter attire (trust me you will need to!), all of the audience found their seats and then we sat in anticipation for the ringmaster Paul Winston to kick things off.

Emillion the circus funnyman soon joined our ringmaster to get everyone involved and between them had the entire audience laughing. Leo thought Emillion was brilliant and especially loved when he started throwing beach balls into the crowd so they could bop it back and forth between acts.

We saw some absolutely stunning and wonderful acts, and we definitely had our breath taken away on more than one occasion.

I couldn't pick just one favourite act as they all were absolutely wonderful so instead here's what to expect to see when you visit.

There is New Revolution who come all the way from Cuba, they are a rollerskating duo that you have to see to believe, the speeds they get and the positions they undertake will leave your head in a spin!

27 year old Rosie Delarue takes on the upside down aerial walk high up in the Megadome Big Top. The Gemini Sisters work together to perform acrobatics in mid air!

We were all on the edge of our seats for Khametov's High Wire Troupe as they went across the tight rope - Make sure you don't close your eyes as one artist stands on her ballet points on her fellow artists head to cross the tight rope!

We were all blown away by Zippos Christmas Circus (and definitely want to go and see one of their other shows very soon!)  the acts were marvelous and we all left with a real sense of Christmas Spirit.

If you are heading to Winter Wonderland this year, definitely book up Zippos Christmas Circus ahead of your visit to avoid disappointment, everything gets very busy (especially the closer to Christmas we get!).

Zippos Christmas Circus at Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland runs until 5th January 2020. Tickets should be pre-booked to avoid disappointment.

Disclaimer: We were invited along to Hyde Park Winter's Wonderland and provided with complimentary circus tickets and ride passes. All thoughts and opinions are completely honest and my own. 

We're Pregnant After a Miscarriage

I really didn't think that I would be writing this post so soon, or ever actually. Somehow, some kind of Christmas magic or by a crazy twist of fate... 

I am pregnant... Again.

I am pregnant for the second time in 2019, pregnant again following my miscarriage back in July.

I am pregnant.

It's been less than 4 months since I lost our second baby, and here I am with the faintest little line on a pregnancy test. A glimmer of hope in the dark tunnel that I have been sliding along since our baby left.

 I really did not think that November was going to be our month, and to be honest we weren't even trying. In fact we weren't trying so much so.... That we didn't even do the deed throughout my fertile window (Or at least I didn't think it would have counted).

This truly is a miracle conception, as those little swimmers were laying around waiting at least 4-5 days before an egg came into the equation. But those two little lines do not lie. 

I have felt my ovulation pains more since the miscarriage, and that night of the 15th November they were really painful, I knew exactly what it was and dosed up with paracetamol. 

I have been testing every month since the miscarriage happened, It's a little addiction and I am always expecting it to come back negative, and they always do... Or they did...

I did the test and hopped into the bath for a soak after a busy Monday at work. I stayed in there 20 minutes or so without really giving the test a second thought, because I was certain it would be negative. Heck I didn't even know why I was doing a test, but I got out and went to have a look...

I held the test up to the light certain that there was a second line. Confused, but certain. I moved out into the next rooms light, there was a line, the faintest line I have ever seen on a test before. I was only 10 days post ovulation at this point so really I wasn't due to test until at least November 30th (when my period was due). 

I swear by the One Step Internet Cheapies, they have not steered me wrong yet, and they produced a very faint line 5 days before my period was due. It was so faint that I was convinced I had line eyes. I took a photo and decided to send it to my sister, who was certain that she too could see the second line. 

I sent it to Luke and was met with '****', as we hadn't been trying this was a shock for both of us after what happened in July. I should still be pregnant with our little Pop, but my body had obviously decided to throw us into a whole new pregnancy.

I am so ready for this, it feels like a second chance. Right now it feels like I am stepping on egg shells, and I am really making sure to take care of my self. I have cut caffeine all together, stopped exercising (apart from dog walks) and just giving into the overwhelming tiredness that hits in the early evenings.  

It's been a week since I found out now, and I have watched the test line get darker each day (even though I know this means nothing in the long run), I have had it confirmed on a First Response and a Clear Blue Digital, I am currently about 2 weeks since conception.

I don't know how this is going to pan out, I don't know if I am going to get to hold my baby at the end of this pregnancy, all I know is, I need to stay positive and keep taking it a day at a time. 

What will be will be, but I would love this pregnancy to work out so much. 

I am not telling family this early on, Leo won't know until we know everything is OK this time around. I can't get him all excited again and then break his heart again. He would love to be a big brother so much, I truly do hope that this time I can make him one. 

Life After Miscarriage

It's coming up to 14 weeks since I miscarried, it's ironic how fast that time has gone in comparison to how slowly those 7 weeks of being pregnant ticked by. 

I would be coming up 22 weeks pregnant now, I would have a little bump. 

I would know if we were having another little boy, or a little girl.

We would be getting everything ready, buying baby clothes and planning the birth.

I would have had those first flutters, first kicks and everyone else would be able to feel the movements by now.

We would all be so excited.

We would be throwing names back and forth, maybe we would even know what we were going to call him or her. 

The reality is life is going on as normal. No body mentions the baby or what would be happening now. 

It's almost as though that part of my story never existed.

I feel like I am over the bitter side of things now, more or less anyway. 

In those first weeks I was incredibly bitter and angry, I most certainly did not want to be around pregnant ladies and their blossoming bellies. Admittedly though I can't help but scroll past pregnancy announcements on Facebook... I have spent longer staring at the images announcing babies due in the same month as what I would have been... But I haven't been able to bring myself to hit 'like'.

I was invited to my friends baby shower in September... But I really didn't want to go. I did stay away because I was quite honestly not ready for that.

I am feeling OK about everything now, but not a day goes by where I don't think about what happened and what should be happening now. 

I go over and over that night on July 30th in my head on a daily basis. I can see all the blood and I can smell it too, the smell of loss.

I can remember every detail, and it just goes round and round on replay in my mind.

Just before I had the miscarriage, I got into bed and sat up as if to get out of bed. I had a sharp pain that went up my tummy. It didn't last long, and I didn't think anything of it, one minute it was there.... And then it was gone. 

Around that same time, possibly even the same night... I had a dream. A dream where I was told that my baby had no heartbeat. I remember waking up feeling gutted and shrugging it off telling myself that it was just a dream, that I was being silly and everything was OK. 

I am absolutely certain that this was my body's way of telling me that my baby was already gone. 

It wasn't until after the viability scan though that I put the pieces together. I am a sucker for always looking on the bright side. 

Mentally and physically though I have recovered well. My first period came and went 6 weeks after the actual miscarriage, and was no different to how it was before I fell pregnant. People had told me how bad that very first period post miscarriage was, but for me everything went back to normal. Just like everyone around me.

Just like nothing had ever happened.

I have finally got back into my fitness, back to regular training and dog walks. This has definitely helped the endorphins flow and seeing the old Laura start to shine through has been just what I needed.

With all of the uncertainty surrounding our house move, I held on to our little baby. I didn't want to bury our little one at the house I was renting because I knew that I wouldn't be there forever. At that point I didn't want to bury the baby in a flower pot because I thought that very soon we would be in our forever home. A home where I would be able to make a big gesture and make everything super special.

If you have read my recent post though, you will know that our forever home is not possible right now. Which may lead you to wonder... What did I do with my baby after the miscarriage?

Well this may shock you, and I am still indifferent to have I feel about it. At this very moment in time, my baby and the gestational sac is in a plastic container in my freezer. 

This might sound strange, but honestly this was all I could think to do at that moment in time. I wasn't ready to party with the baby, I needed some time. 

Now I know that we won't be moving somewhere that I can bury the baby within the grounds under a special tree... I am drawn to the idea of a special indoor plant with a beautiful pot. I am aware that keeping my baby in the freezer is far from ideal, and I have felt such guilt over knowing how cold it is... All I need to do now if find the perfect plant and a pot fitting for our little one.

I should be buying a pram and blankets for our baby, but instead I am wondering what the most fitting tribute would be to tuck them up for eternity would be.

If you have any ideas of plants that have pretty flowers and come back every year, I am all ears, please leave your suggestions in the comments below.

I have also been looking at ways I can visually remember our baby, some people get tattoos or jewellery... But that wasn't for me. I recently discovered My Missing Peace - a company who make stunning remembrance items (and I have quite honestly never seen anything like this!).

I was drawn to the Remembrance Hearts, you can have these custom made. There are so many different colours, and you can choose a baby to add to the heart for the gestation you were when you lost the baby.

A lady in a Miscarriage Group I am a part of on Facebook had one bought for her by her other half, and I thought it was amazing. I managed to find the website and found an item that was actually in the sale (The company is based in Australia) so if you have them custom made it can take quite a while to receive it, so by choosing an item that was already made, it means I will have it quicker as it just needs to be sent.

I opted for the 7 Week Remembrance Heart in Galaxy, and cost me £48.00 including the delivery (It would have been more if I had opted to custom make my heart) but for me this is worth every single penny. 

I wanted and needed something that I could look at and visualise, I should be buying the world for my baby right now, but this is all I can do.

People have actually dared to ask me when I think I might have another baby (even when they know what happened in July), the reality is that it took 3 years for me to fall pregnant with Pop, and I am 30 now... So who knows if another baby in the future will even be a reality for me.

They say lightning doesn't strike twice, but I am terrified that it could.