Wednesday 12 September 2012

Fly high...

The world can be a beautiful place and it sometimes takes my breath away, it could be the sunset or the first time Leo beamed his gummy smile at me. Those magical moments that make every moment count, and you thank your lucky stars that you were there to witness it.

Sometimes though the world can be a cruel and heartless place to exist. Sometimes it turns someones life upside down for no real reason at all.

Shortly after I returned to work I discovered the happy news that a colleague was pregnant with twins. She looked so happy, and was completely over the moon. Over the weeks I saw her tummy grow and grow, her Two little babies becoming stronger with each passing day. 

This week was her Twentieth week of pregnancy. The half way point where the finishing line was just visible on the horizon. Only this moment was over shadowed by the sun that was now setting, and those little babies began their ascent to the sky. 

Last night I logged onto Facebook, and the first status I saw was this:

'Sleep my beautiful angels, 
on your pillows in the sky,
Angels are forever.....
So we'll never say goodbye'

Those words said it all, and I suddenly felt like I had slipped into her shoes and I could actually feel her world crashing down. I could feel my eyes welling up, how can something like this happen? I sat there trying to find the words to express how sorry I was, but there are no words. There is nothing I could say, and nothing I could do.

I worried myself while I was pregnant with Leo, and got checked out by the maternity triage on at least 3 separate occasions. I can not imagine how I would feel having to give birth to my baby and then say goodbye. This thought shakes me to the core.

Today as far as I am aware, she was admitted to hospital where she will meet her beautiful little babies for the first and last time. Such a bitter sweet moment that should have been the start of their beginning as a family. 

I keep thinking of her and what she is having to endure. Something that no Mother should ever have to go through. Life really is so un-fair. 

The womb is meant to be a safe place, where our babies grow to be big and strong to come and meet us. How can something like this happen? 

She would have been an amazing Mummy. 

I can not imagine her grief, the feelings she will have on not seeing her babies open their eyes for the first time to study her face. The windy smiles before the real ones come in and everything that I feel so privileged to have been gifted.

I wish I could change this nightmare outcome for her and put the world to rights. 

But I can't.

Fly high little angels

Last night I held Leo tightly and breathed in his baby smell. I held on a little longer than I usually would, realising just how lucky I really am. I am incredibly lucky even on those sleepless nights where he just winds me up to the point of distraction, I am lucky that he is there to wind me up and in the next instance have me in fits of giggles.

We all have those worried moments in pregnancy, but those worries extend past that and never ever go away. In fact they magnify as your baby grows, the dangers and worries of things that could potentially happen get dreamed up in your head as you try and find ways to protect them.

I still check in on Leo to make sure he is still breathing soundly and tucked up in his cot.  I over think every little detail. I see danger at every turn and I know that as he get's older I am going to worry more and more. On the news just this week I heard about a Mother who lost her son to a stabbing at a party, and a bus that killed 3 people. How am I supposed to trust anyone with my baby? 

I dread the thought of Leo going on school trips, just in case something happens. I know that this is way off yet and the chances are slim, but the chance is still there.

Being a Mummy is such an exhilarating, scary and emotional job in this beautiful, terrifying world. You never know what is just around the corner, and even when you try to foresee what will next be bestowed upon you and your family, you never quite know.

And the un-known just makes it even more scary.


  1. wow, so sorry for the loss of your colleague...i also can't imagine it.

    i agree being a mum requires bravery, we cant always watch over our kids but i believe every child has an angel watching over them

    1. That's a lovely thought, I hope you are right :) x

  2. What a beautifully written post but such a tragic loss for your colleague. I was in a similar situation with a colleague last year, she miscarried at 5 months too and it was the most awful thing to hear. Really makes you stop and appreciate what you have. xxx

    1. Thank you lovely, I feel awful for her. I just keep imagining it over and over. Life can be so un-fair. xx

  3. I'm so sorry for her loss, and I know you will be feeling so sad too. If there is any tiny silver lining to this story it's that we will all hug our babies a little tighter tonight and tomorrow when the monkeys are challenging our every step we will remember we are indeed blessed and every baby born is a miracle. Thank you for sharing this story and love to your colleague and to you

    1. Thank you. I know I defiantly gave Leo a tighter hug that night. It really does make you realise how lucky you are. x

  4. You have written such a beautiful post - moved me to tears. How close life and death really are? I write as my beautiful baby boy is sleeping upstairs, but every day I am thankfull for him. We called him Gabriel, I often call him the Angel Gabriel as I feel so lucky to have him. You see I had a termination 2.5 years ago as we found out the baby was very ill, then I believe due to a stressful job it took me a year to then conceive, and then after an incredibly nauseas pregnancy, Gabriel was finally born. Being older, I was accutely aware of so many things that could go wrong not only during pregnancy, but during delivery and even after birth.. life is so precious and I am so grateful for a healthy baby. I can't imagine what your colleague is going through but I know that many friends have gone through such turmoil and have lost/miscarried during pregnancy, but so determined they are to have their precious baby, like me, you stay strong, stay healthy, stay determined to have the baby of your dreams. Lots of love and hugs to her and her family.. but don't give up. x


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