Friday, 28 December 2012

Close

 I can remember a time I once felt really close to Luke. A point where we were infectiously happy and everything was heading in the right direction.

That now feels like a dream that came and went many many dreams ago. The reality now is that I don't feel close to him at all. Sometimes I wonder whether I even know him.

Luke lives and breathes his aspirations and the dreams he hopes to materialise. His newly bought van, the things he intends to do with the van imminently, such as tints and those new alloy wheels he just purchased...Not to mention the motorbike he intends to buy.

Everything he does comes down to number one in the end, be it something he wants or feels he needs.

Sometimes it feels like he is there for absolutely everyone but me and Leo, if one of his friends is in crisis mode he is quite happy to drop everything and go. With them he has a smile and a laugh, but when he comes back home to us it is like living with Scrooge.

It has been no secret that the months leading up to the house move were strained, and he had no problem dwelling information to his confidant. A lady I have developed a rather sour taste for. Of course he is only feeding her his side of the story and I have no idea exactly what he disclosed, all I do know is one reply that fell into my lap 'That's all you can do babe, just leave her to her shit'.

I can only imagine that the 'her' she was reffering to was me. Things almost ended for us over the coming days, but we decided to push forward. It is safe to say that intimately things are completely off, I couldn't care any less than I do on that front, why would you when you couldn't feel any further away from the person you are supposed to love?

Luke has the shortest temper around and twice in recent weeks he has blown his fuse. On the first occasion Leo was playing around with his dinner, and if my recollection serves me well he wasn't eating much of it... Leo then went to throw his plate on the floor, an instance that is not the bee all and end all and is easily cleared away. On any other similar occasion I would explain to Leo why not to do it... but Luke decided punching the table was the best way to handle it.

When I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, he told me not to underhand his parenting and even went on to tell me that he wasn't ready to be a Dad and he was doing the best he could.

Really!? 18 months down the line he says this!?

Of course I removed Leo from the situation and told him if it happend again we would go.

Tonight it did happen again, once again in the familiar surroundings of dinner time. Being Sausage and Chips we ate in the lounge instead of the dining room and it wasn't long before Leo was doing what toddlers do best, climbing over everything. Luke placed his dinner on the floor while trying to keep Leo at bay and Leo mistakenly dropped the toy he was playing with onto Luke's dinner plate.

Again easily rectified.

So you can imagine my surprise when Luke launched Leo's steering wheel in temper! I saw the fear on my little boy's face and scooped him up letting him know he had done nothing wrong. I told Luke he was completely out of order and he needed to curve his temper. I told him that Leo would grow up fearing him and that I was going to spend the night at my parents.

I just needed some space and recollection time. Suddenly Luke told me I could leave but only if I left Leo with him, so I threw together a bag and a few bits and pieces and came away, only to be accussed of using Leo as a weapon, being immature and escalating the situation.

Luke said that it was in the past and I should just get over it.

I would like to add that I would never ever use Leo as a weapon. Never. I took Leo out of a negative situation. I was protecting him. Luke needs to understand that he does have a temper and we will not be at the end of it. When it comes to my boy I will always be on his side.

Sometimes I wonder why we are even together, we both want completely different things. He doesn't want any more children and he doesn't want to get married. I do want another baby in the future and one day I would like that one special day, be it with him or not.





12 comments:

  1. I guess responding on a blog I will never be able to write properly what I want to. But, becoming a parent is the most difficult thing you can ever do. And as much as I will never let my OH know this I completely believe that a mother's instinct and bond will be in the majority of cases by far the stronger.
    Your post reminds me a great deal of what my and my hubby have, and continue to contend with.
    The only thing that remains when the situation has passed it that we do not spend enough time together as a couple. That we spend each night listening for the children crying, and our spare time is spent making things special for the little people.
    The effort you both once put into making one relationship worked as changed beyond recognition. And now it's about trying to find everyone's place in a relationship of three.
    It's tough, it's horrible, but more so, in my most realistic moments I do know this is the man I want to be with, that I can't imagine being with anyone else, and that (when he's not taking his bad mood out on the children) he is such a good dad.
    Take some time out for you, and for you and him, and hopefully you'll know what you need to do.
    xx

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I completely agree, after having a heart to heart we realised we don't go out and do things together anymore. We have vowed to do more as a couple and make more time for each other :)

      Thanks again xx

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  2. Oh bless you. I would have done exactly the same thing if I was in that situation. I cannot and will not tolerate short tempers and aggressive/angry behaviour in front of my children. Children should respect their parents and not fear them, so if anything you also did Luke a favour by taking Leo (who lets be honest is far to little to understand) away and letting Luke cool off in private.
    It sounds to me like you and Luke need to sit down and have a conversation about what is happening. If you want to really make a go of your relationship he needs to be coming to you with his troubles not someone else. Saying he's not ready to be a dad is a pointless statement: he has a child now so he has to be one whether he likes it or not, but it's up to him whether he is a good one or not.
    I would also say that Christmas and the pressures of trying to be a picture perfect family for the holidays can get to people. So give yourselves a breather and see how you feel in the new year. X

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    1. Thank you Lucy. It is reassuring to be told that I did do the right thing. Of course I know Luke would never hurt Leo but the fact is he was scared. I can't have him scared.

      We have sat down and talked things through and realised that we certainly need to do more together as a couple. We haven't been and done anything for just us in so long.
      xx

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  3. Oh hunny hugs. This sounds a lot like Mr.L is some instances. He has a short fuse and its a lot more apparent at night now Kai keeps waking up and joining u in our bed.
    The saying is true "You don't know what you've got until you loose it" and perhaps you going away for the night will help him realize it, but then if your not happy you need to do best for you & Leo.
    Like Lucy said you just need to sit and talk perhaps and have someone look after Leo so you can.
    I'm always here for you if you wanna talk hun. Hugs xx

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  4. Oh Laura what a difficult post to read. I hope you are all ok now you have cooled down. Having children most certainly puts a strain on even the most perfect relationships, after all you have gone from a life where it was just the two of you, to having to completely think about another little person all of the time. It is hard to adjust.
    Saying that he isn't ready to be a Dad, is a pointless thing to say, I agree with Lucy, as now he is one and it is up to him whether he wants to be a good one. I am sure that things will calm down but it definitely sounds like you need to have a long talk? Maybe your family could have Leo for the evening and you could go out for some dinner? One night out won't solve things but it may help you have a talk out of stressful surroundings.
    Whatever happens, you sound like you are the best Mum to Leo and thats the most important thing in the world. x

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    1. Thanks Katie,
      Things have cooled down and are well on the way back to normal. Only now we are planning on doing more things as a couple. We haven't done anything for just us in so long :)
      xx

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  5. Hey lovely, Hope things are a bit better after you have both had a chance to sleep on it. I am completely with you and will not tolerate that kind of behaviour in front of my son and I would have left as well.

    I know how difficult an unplanned pregnancy is and it doesn't always give you time to be ready to be a parent but like it or not that is what we are and Luke needs to decide exactly what kind of parent he wants to be. I agree with what the others have said though, sometimes making time as a couple can do wonders as I think the men feel left out when all our attention is on the children, and sometimes you both need to remember what it is that you love about each other as individuals.

    I hope you work it out x x x

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  6. Oh gosh, how awful.

    I do think you did the right thing removing yourself and Leo from that situation and I do hope things have calmed down.

    I also agree with previous posters, it is so important to make time as a couple and also to have your own private time to yourself, for you as Laura. Certainly D and I have resolved to ask my family to have H more overnight so we can have time together and to give each other a few hours to do our own thing every now and then.

    Toddlers are far more stressful than babies in my opinion and parenting is something you both have to be on the same page for.

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    1. Thanks Rachel,

      I agree, I did the right thing. It gave us chance to cool off and think about things. We are going to be setting aside more time to spend time together as a couple.

      Thanks again xx

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