Sometimes I wish I could be a stay at home Mum, okay recently...All of the time.
I know this feeling is spurred on by my not being happy at work, by everyone around me who can obviously see my thumbs twiddling and boredom setting in, yet still they by pass me. Unless of course they wish to dismiss me further by allocating mediocre jobs that I never used to do even before going on maternity leave.
I don’t mean to sound like I am above it, but I am just dis-heartened that my going on leave has put me further down the pecking list than the new starter to the team.
I thought time would pass and things would settle down, to how they were before I left for 13 months.
But too much has changed.
The company changed and so did I.
I can’t ever see myself being happy with my current position; it currently feels like I am doing time for bad behaviour. I feel like I have been demoted, like I am sitting on a shelf slowly losing my sparkle to the dust that is starting to cover me.
I just don’t seem to care about what I do in the office anymore, and no-one seems to care about me not caring? But I want to care. I work hard and when I really care, I go above and beyond to get things done.
I used to care.
I count down the hours until I reach Wednesday at 5pm, the start of the time I get to spend with Leo.
When Sunday night hits I feel dread in the very pitt of my stomach, all because I don’t want to go to work and sit twiddling my thumbs.
I feel like I need to break loose and push forward in finding something else, but then I am scared at making such a big change.
I know it is something I need to do; I can’t seem to pull my head out of this social media cloud it is currently floating around in and that just confirms to me that I still have passion and I still have drive.
I do still care, just about other things.
So how do you go about making such a big decision? How do you go about changing your life?
I have the drive and will do anything and everything I can do pull myself out of this rut I am currently sat in, slowly sinking deeper and deeper, but for the right opportunity I will stand up tall and walk out with my head held high.
Laura I feel like this all the time, its horrible. I have gone from being quite high up in my career, managing myself and others, to basically a glorified admin assistant. People act like I don't exist and I get over looked on projects, extra tasks etc, when i am the most qualified. It used to really upset me but now I am on the countdown to maternity leave I can at least feel a bit happier about that.
ReplyDeleteI hate sitting there twiddling my thumbs and I get so unbelievably bored, I literally clock watch, its horrible.
There is no way I am going back there after maternity, I think I will just have to hope something else good comes along. I am quite career focussed and want to work, but I just need to find something that I can do part time while Mads is young and that I enjoy.
xx
Hi Laura I feel really sad after reading your post. I remember feeling like this after I went back after the birth of my first child. I do think that life is never the same once you have a child and I had a very different view of my job when I went back. I was lucky to find something that meant I could leave my job as a nurse and work from home round my child.
ReplyDeleteIt was scary but I knew in my heart I could build my direct selling business and I was determined to. I needed to earn a certain amount to pay bills etc and I worked every hour but round the children.
Often I start work now at 10 at night and I juggle the business in the day around the children. Today I had to juggle the business around looking for wasabi paste for George's home economics practical tomorrow. I would rather work 100 hours from home and be with the children than go back to working for someone else.
What I would say is sometimes we have to jump with both feet. If you think you can do something which will give you an income and huge job satisfaction and give you time with your little one then go for it. I did and I have never looked back. What is the worst that can happen - doing your own thing doesn't work and you have to go back into employment further down the line. BUT you may just be successful and like me be grateful every day for doing your own thing and spending more time at home.
I can't offer any advice I'm afraid as I'm very lucky to be in the position to be able to stay home (albeit with a LOT of scrimping and saving) but I just wanted to say that I think becoming a mum does change your attitude and your focus a lot, so it's natural for you to be feeling differently about the job and the company.
ReplyDeleteI cannot even explain to you how much I adored my job before having the little man, but I now genuinely can't think of a single thing that could convince me to go back to it. I've changed and sometimes I wonder if I will ever go back to teaching. I suspect I might part time when the kiddos are bigger and at school, but I just know I'll never love it the way I once did. Something else will just always matter more now, my children! X
It is so difficult. When I went back after my son it was difficult. Luckily I was only back for a year before I went off on maternity leave. I made the difficult decision then to change my life and applied to university. Whilst it is obviously hard, it has given me new confidence and my children see that I work very hard. I hope that I can get a better job and push myself further when I finish university. I get to spend more time with my children in the summer, Easter and Christmas and I still have a day off with them.
ReplyDeleteI'm not suggesting that you quit and go to university, just showing that it is possible to make a huge change, even with small children. It is not easy but ultimately, the best thing is that you are happy.
I love this post. Its really hard to be at work after maternity leave, i work part time and find that I just get given the rubbish areas of the company to provide support to (IT and Finance!) the boring officey jobs. Your post really reaosnates with how I feel about work and I can totally sympathise. The worst part of it is I work so hard, harder than most people in the team 9who doesnt part time!?)yet they get the more exciting projects. But the biggest problem of all is that my heart, like yours, just isnt in it anymore. I want to be more flexcible to share all the precious time with my son. I want to want to work, I want to be good, the best, but my number one job that I want to be best at is being a mum, not being a career woman anymore. It's a hard battle to have with yourself and one i have everyday! I'm hoping it's not forever and that I will find some new inspiration to keep me going and motivated, and if not there's always a lettery ticket ;) One of my friends, also a mum and very successful in her career recently said to me, 'it's not a sprint now, it's a marathon, this is just a time when you need to stop for breath'. It made me feel better, I think she's right, we don't have to race all the time right?! x
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