Thursday 30 August 2012

The First Telling Off



I always wondered what Leo's first telling off would be about. I pondered how old he would be when I had to seriously tell him 'No' and mean it. 

I cannot remember the exact moment I first told him 'No' and that his actions were just not acceptable, but it was since he turned 12 months back in June. 

I can't remember because it has happened rather frequently recently...

Leo has suddenly out of nowhere began lashing out. He does it when he is excited and he does it when he is angry. I cannot begin to tell you where it has come from, because he has not witnessed it and we have never demonstrated it. 

Leo will raise his hand high up in the air and bring it down quickly to assert your attention, more so if he is frustrated or angry. At the first sign of that hand being lifted into the beyond, I straighten out my index finger and get down to Leo's level, with my finger pointing at him. I look him in the eyes and I tell him 'No, No Leo. You must not hit' and then I sit him down on the ground. If he does it again I repeat the process.

I know he understands the word 'No' but I also know he has selective hearing. I just don't understand as he is so gentle for the most part, especially with other children and the cat we have, but I do worry that he may un-knowingly lash out at another child. 

I want to instill in him that hitting is a negative action right now. I simply don't want him to do it and I don't want him to be branded a bully, and me a young Mum who let's her baby run wild while bullying other children.

Of course I know that Leo is not a bully, he is a baby trying to fathom the ways of the world, and gain a understanding to right and wrong. He is expressing his excitement and then also his anger and frustration when he is not understood.

Somehow I need to help him in those moments of frustration and she him that there are other ways that he can get my attention. I think until he starts talking more then this may be an underlying problem.

For now though, how can I stop Leo from hitting? How can I make him see that it is not a nice thing to do?

Have any of your little one's been like this? How did you change their behaviour?


11 comments:

  1. Since Dylan turned one his temper has really come out, especially when he is tired and he hits as well. Saying no is doing nothing at the moment so if you get any advice please share!

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    1. I am glad I am not alone in this. I have been thinking about Leo's behavior and it does seem to coincide with my return to work.... x

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  2. I don't have this on the same exact level, Mads is very gentle and doesn't hit or lash out, and has never bitten, but she does have a big temper on her. If she doesn't get her own way, she will throw things, whether that be a biscuit, her juice cup or a toy. I think they are just learning how to communicate properly and testing the boundaries. I may be wrong but I do think little boys are a bit more boisterous like that, a couple of my friends little boys (bearing in mind they are older than Leo) are going through a pushing over and hitting stage, but directed at their friends. I was changing Mads nappy at my friends house today and one of the little boys came and stood on her face! I kept saying no but at this stage they just ignore it! He will grow out of it- I just have no idea when though! It does get better when they talk a bit more as well- now Mads just screams Nooooooooooooo at me! I don't know which is worse! I think at one moment in time they all go through a lashing out stage, Mads may come when she is a bit older.

    x

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    1. Aw bless Mad's. I think you are right and it does come down to a communication frustration. I have also been thinking about when this behavior really kicked in, and it is more so since my return to work!
      x

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  3. Oh dear, welcome to my world! Yes, it is the whole learning to communicate thing, and not having the words to express the 'big' feelings, or even being able to understand them. It can also be when they feel distant from you, so may happen when you come home from work, or after he has had a nap, or been playing on his own, even for a few minutes.

    For the former, we try to give Lara the words or try to use simple language that says 'we understand you feel cross/angry/tired/hungry/frustrated right now, and you could hit the cushion/jump up and down/run round in circles/play a shouting game' Basically giving her the words, being understanding, and then providing another physical outlet.

    For the latter, we have big one to one reconnection time, playing together, going for a walk, kicking a ball round outside, or just lots of cuddles, anything that helps them reconnect with you.

    It doesn't always work, and can even take a few goes each time, but it's the best way to give them emotional literacy, and understanding, rather than any 'naughty step' stuff which says you're bad, you're not allowed these feelings, I don't want to be near you when you're not smiley and cuddly and fun.

    I just try to remember how young and how little and inexperienced Lara is, and how much I love her, even when she's beign ghastly! Good luck babe x

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    1. Thank you for such great advice :-)
      I think it is such a complicated age, in between learning to talk and talking, being able to use the words you want to get across how you are feeling, heck I still struggle with that now so how is a 14 month old supposed to do it!

      I love how you give Lara the simple words to voice her problems, I would much rather Leo shouted than lashed out.

      I am taking all you have said into consideration and hopefully being able to apply it to my little monster.
      xx

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  4. Ahhh, it's always tricky dealing with bad behaviour and I can totally understand your feelings that you want your little boy to always be kind and gentle with other children. It's like all things with children; be clear about what you expect and be consistent about how you get it. It's the mantra I used to use in my head as a teacher, and I still do it now. Ever since the little guy was tiny I have always responded to behaviour in the same way. Warning first (No thank-you. We don't do that.) and then if it happens again a firm "No!" while moving him to sit on the floor (like you say you do with Leo anyway). I'm always conscious not to use too many words when actually telling off, I was like it at school and I'm like it as a parent. They don't need to know the ins and outs straight away, just that something they have done is wrong. If you use too many words when you're telling them off then you can inadvertently give them the attention they are seeking and it encourages them to do it more. I try to avoid eye contact for a little while straight after so that they know I'm not happy, but with a dinky kid that might only be seconds. Then we move on, so with a toddler (like my little monkey or your Leo) I'd just move on to playing something totally different to show all is forgotten, with a bigger child I might briefly explain what the problem was and then move on.
    Oh and a little tip: one of the things we were always told by behaviour specialists is to expect and tell rather than ask. So always say "Stop that. Thank-you." rather than "Can you stop that please?" It's very subtle, but one tells them who is boss, the other gives them a choice.
    I'm sure he'll grow out of this phase soon. But hard as it is, try and see it as a good opportunity to teach him about behaviour that pleases mummy and behaviour that doesn't. X

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    1. Thank you Lucy, I have already applied some of your pearls of wisdom into how I act towards Leo when he portrays his un-desirable behavior.

      xx

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  5. 'no, hitting hurts' while gentle moving/restraining their hand, if you need to, works quite well.

    at the same time, make sure they're getting plenty of exercise and choices over the whole day, if you see what I mean!

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  6. At his age he doesn't really understand no in the context you do. He understands that by that behaviour your respond with no and your attention which is what he wants. Your better off using te word gentle and guiding his hand in. Way you want him to act rather than saying no. He knows now by hitting you respond by coming to his level and giving him attention which is exactly what he is trying to achieve.

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