Two Worlds

This time last year I was preparing for the arrival of my baby boy, I was getting the equipment that I knew I would need, and the essentials that I could not do without. Above all else, I was still at work, working towards a goal of leaving for my Maternity leave 'the later, the better'.

This may sound crazy, but I worked right up until the very end. With much thanks to my baby boy Leo, who decided to arrive a week early On June 27th 2011. This meant work finished as usual on the Friday and by the Monday, I had to call in 'Sick' at the office, it was an essential call as it may have been frowned upon to make an appearance in the active throws of labour.

I had achieved what I had been so determined to do, and I happily claimed a whole year with my beautiful boy. This roller coaster year has been priceless and exceeded anything I could have ever imagined, but now our year is almost up, and a year on instead of preparing for a new baby...I am getting ready to make that inevitable return to work.

I know this is a subject that so many women can see eye to eye on. It is like a universal language, that can be heard and deciphered through our actions. In how we look at our babies and how we long to stay at home with them, and take in every breath and each new milestone. We don't really want to leave our babies...but for some of us, for one reason or another. We have to, whether we want to or not.

I have two different sets of feelings about returning to work. Part of me is loving the idea of returning to work with all guns blazing, and picking up where I left off. Making money and carving a career, but above all else lighting up a way for a future with my little family.

My second set of feelings are a completely different affair. They are screaming at me, telling me not to go. Making me question how I could even contemplate missing Leo's day to day existence and each new milestone? Could I really get over missing his first tiny steps? His first word? The answer to these questions is, No. I can't even for a second think about not being there and missing any part of Leo's life.

But...

My return to work is inevitable, and at the beginning of July I will be trading in my Milk bottles and muslin cloths for computers and smart attire. My beautiful boy will be spending his weekly day's with his Grandma and we will have to put all the pieces of our jigsaw back together again. It will never be the same picture, but the pieces will all fit together - eventually. The picture will still be a great one that we enjoy piecing into one solid image, and over the years I am sure we will have to re-build it time and time again.

I am sure like me you have all questioned your inner self about the worries you have in leaving your pride and joy, 5 days a week for 8 hours a day. “Will he be ok without me?”, “Am I a dreadful mother for leaving him?” That sort of thing...The answer is yes he will be ok, and no you are not. You are giving your child the best possible future, and going out to ensure that the image of the future is a reality.

Deep down I know it is just about finding the right balance between work and play, but anyone who has ever had a substantial amount of time out of work knows that the return can be daunting. The feelings of that first day back at school come flooding back – “What has changed? Is my job still there? Am I still needed? What will people say”?

Of course things will have changed, there will most likely be people you do not know, but of course your job is still there awaiting your return. Before long you will be part of the brickwork again. I think the right split between work and play will happen on instinct. Work will finish and you will just pick up on where you left off with your child. The weekends will be the time to make the most of that coveted time together, and the time you do spend together...Well... it will be even more special now.

I intend to make the most of every opportunity with Leo, as I have always done. We will still go on our little escapades when ever we can. Of course there is also the holiday allocation that I will be making the very most of, if the sun shines or the snow falls I will be spending quality time with my boy. When Christmas comes around I will be there sharing the magic and when his birthday comes I will be the one wearing the hat.

I realise that I can have my cake and eat it too. Both of my worlds can collide...

Life is all about balance, this is just one further trial on a long list of trials I will come across as a Mother. My beautiful boy is by far my proudest moment and the most important person in my life. My job is part of who I am and something I have always enjoyed, with people that make it a great place to be.

There have of course been times that I have felt like I have too many responabilities on my shoulders and choices that only I can make, tricky life choices that all hide behind one or more doors. Living is making those choices and sticking with them, just as Flora Whittemore would say 'The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live'.

So I will return to work will all guns blazing, and I will make sure that I do not miss an instance of Leo's life. He will always have me as a consitant force and reasuring hand. Just because I am a working Mum, Leo is and always will be my number one priority.

Laura
xx